Let’s go… Slaho!

Theory #4

Clark Kent had had a bad day.  The Daily Planet had downsized and he was one of the writers who had been let go.  No amount of the superpowers he secretly possessed were going to get him his job back.  In the end he knew this didn’t matter.  It wasn’t about the money or about the position.  It’s just that, Superman just got fired?  He’d always been humble, but now he’d been humbled.  Well, hopefully the Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich he had just ordered would help him get his mind off of things.
Philly Cheese Steaks had always been his favorite, and he had always had one when he was down.  They always seemed to cheer him up.  The cheese, the mushrroms, the green peppers, the sauted onions, the STEAK on a HOAGIE!!!  Oh was he looking forward to this!
The waitress passes by and drops off his sandwich.  “Here you go, sir.” 
Clark looked down, and to his surprise, did not see a Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich.  No, instead he saw a salami sandwich plain on white bread.  It was an honest mistake, sure.  It probably just belonged to the guy on the table to his left.  His sandwich was probably about to come out.  But that didn’t cross his mind at this moment.  He was still hurting from the event earlier in the day, and this was just one more thing to upset him. 
Without hesitating, he grabbed the sandwich and flung it as hard as he could as he swung arounf towards the door.  Just then a patron opened the door to walk in.  The sandwich whizzed by his head and out into the New York Streets (Metropolis as it is called) with an enormous amount of velocity.  The great speed and the whooshing sound caused everybody to look up just to see, not Superman… but his salami sandwich!!!

“Have you noted any progress in the specimens?”
“None, whatsoever, Doctor.”
Doctor Pinkpaperpulluppants was getting frustrated.  He had been working on this experiment now for months.  Each one of the subjects he had tested on had died instantly.  He needed to make sure that they’d not only survive but that his subjects would be transformed thanks to his dose of his “magical potion”.  Still, death had been the only result… until today.
“They ARE still alive, correct?”
“Yes, Doctor Pink Paper Pull Up Pants.”
“Quit butchering my name!!!  You’ve been working with me for six weeks.  By now I thought you’d figure out how to pronounce it!  Not everything is pronounced the way it is spelled, you know. You do speak English, after all. It’s pronounced “pink-pahp-er-pull-uppence”. “PINK-PAHP-ER-PULL-UPPENCE!!”, OK?”
“Yes Doctor, I’m Sorry. And, yes, they are still alive.”
“One obstacle down, Miss Messersmith, one to go.  Now we just need to …”
“Sorry to interrupt you sir, but if I may be so bold… you’re always mispronouncing my name too.  It’s pronounced Meehth.  The s’s the r and the last m are all silent.  I’d appreciate it if you’d pronounce my name correctly too if you don’t mind.”
The doctor stared at his assistant incredulously. “Riiiiiiiiight, I read you.  Anyway, let’s hope that this experimaent finally works.  Finally the dose of ‘magical potion’ was small enough not to kill my precious experimentees.  Let’s hope it’s a big enough dose to transform it.”
“Doctor, you know it’s not illegal to inject a fly with steroids.  The animal activists aren’t going to come knocking on your door for eliminating two dozen flies.  you could stop calling it a ‘magical potion’.”
“Humor me, Miss Messer… er, um, Mehhheth?”
“Better, Doctor P.”
‘Hmm, I like the sound of that…” the doctor murmurred to himself, then added, “You know it’s almost lunch time and I’m getting hungry, can you get me the leftovers from the fridge Mihth?”
“Sure thing, D.P.”
His assistant walks to the fridge and looks in. “There seems to be only a salami sandwich left over from your annual Salami Feast last Saturday.  Is that OK?
“That’ll do.  Just bring it over”
The assistant grabs the sandwich and brings it over, then takes it out of the resealable container to hand it to the doctor.
“Smells nasty, Doc.  I think it’s rotten.  And the bread is turning green…”
“A little penicillin never killed anybody, my dear.  It’ll be fine.”
But the smell seemed to do more than bother Miss Messersmith…
“Yo, Mr. Narrator!  It’s pronounced Mehth!”
I’m not the narrator, Missy!  I’m the author, I can call you whatever I want.  And I have a name you know.  It’s Lmytkljrft!  OK, sister?
“Let me tickle your feet?”
DON’T EVEN GO THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Let me finish the story!  OK?
Where was I?  Oh yeah, so the salami was putrid, and the bread looked like a week old Chia Pet, and the flies took notice.  They woke up with the smell.
“Look, Miss you girl.  They’re waking up! Look closely at what they do!”
The flies circled around for a bit in their container.  Then they noticed where the smell was coming from.  All they saw was a big blur, but the scent was undeniable and all too tempting.  The two flies suddenly burst through the netted top of the container as if it were not even there.
“Whoa!” yelled the Doctor.  “IT WORKED!!  Quick, let’s catch them and contain them.”
But it was too late. One fly noticing the doctor holding the sandwich went right at him and smashed into his chest sending him sprawling backwards.  the doctor in his shock let go of the sandwich so that he could catch a piece of furniture to break his fall.  At that instant, the other fly grabbed the sandwich midair and started for the window.  The first fly recognizing it was closed darted straight for it and smashed right through it sending shards of glass everywhere.  The other fly shielded by the sandwich easily avoided the glass and made its way out, sandwich in tow.  Straight into the New York Skyline…
“Remarkable,” exclaimed the doctor.  “We have created a new mutant monster!!  Now, my name will go down in history with all the greats!!  My name will be on the lips of all those who only wished they could have created my magic potion. Everyone will know my name, as soon as I can duplicate this feat with new flies and stonger netting!!!  ALL WILL KNOW MY NAME!!”
“You’re saying people will be uttering pink-pahp-er-pull-uppence everytime they see a monster fly?”
“MY NAME IS DOCTOR PINK…PAPER…PULL…UP…PANTS…  PINK PAPER PULL UP PANTS! Now get me another baloney sandwich!”
“You mean salami?”
“SALAMI!!”