Let’s go… Slaho!

Chapter 59

THE ADVENTURES OF MO SKEETER, VEGETARIAN BLOODSUCKER

To the naked eye he was just another mosquito. He floated around from place to place, usually in hot and humid weather. He was costantly being brushed away and swatted at by hands and more hands. The truth is that though he was the same on the outside, he was very different on the inside. Mo Skeeter was the rarest of mosquitos. He didn’t bite or suck on animal blood. He focused simply on feeding on fluids from plants. Mo was made fun of by all his peers, but while most of them had been swatted into the next life, his decidedly fewer encounters with humans was keping him alive longer. He also didn’t have to deal with problems like cholestorol or sickle cell anemia or AIDS or other diseases or abnormalities found in blodd, so he was healthier than the other mosquitos, though he had a hard time selling it to his peers. His mother, “Ma” Skeeter supported him in his decision, but had a tough time watching him day to day. He was always hanging out on the outside edges of the swarm because he was looked down upon. And he was having a heck of a time finding the perfect Miss Skeeter due to his alternative lifestyle. But Mo stuck to his guns, and lived on the way he felt was best for him. He ate fruit juices and sap from trees, as well as fluids from the stems of most plants. But his favorite delicacy was honey. That was his only vice in an otherwise healthy lifestyle.  And he was fine with that.  It was this vice that eventually lead him to be a hero, and also to his eventual demise…

Chapter 58

Counting Elephants?

Leslie nudged her dad.
She nudged him again.
He wouldn’t wake up.
“Daddy,” she whispered, “wake up.”

Dad’s eyes peered open.
“Daddy, I can’t fall asleep.”
“Have you been awake all this time, honey?” asked dad.
“Uh-huh,” was the reply.

“Is there something wrong?”
“No, Daddy, I just can’t fall asleep.”
“Maybe you should start counting sheep, honey.”
“I tried that already, but the sheep came over to me and told me they didn’t want me to count them anymore. So, I don’t know what I should count anymore.”

“Well, let’s think about it for a second,” pondered Dad. “Maybe we can think of something you can count.”
“OK, Daddy,” said Leslie excitedly.

“Maybe you could count cows crossing the pasture.”
“The cow bells would keep me awake.”
“Right”

“How about pigs rolling in the mud?”
“What if they splatter me with mud?”
“Good point”

“What about chicks escaping the chicken coop?”
“Wouldn’t they miss their mommies?”
“I see how that can happen. Maybe we should leave the farm, honey.”
“OK, Daddy”

“Maybe, we could count elephants crossing the savannah holding tails with their trunks.”
“How could I fall asleep with the trembling ground?”
“That would be tough”

“Count giraffes eating from the tops of the trees.”
“Looking up would hurt my neck.”
“Of course”

“I know. You can count hyenas laughing.”
“But I would want to know what they’re laughing about.”
“Yeah, me too”

Dad pressed on.
“Snakes slithering?”
“Too slimy.”
“Fireflies flying?”
“Too much light.”
“Lions roaring?”
“Scary, dad!”
“Cockroaches crawling?
“Even scarier, Daddy!!”
“Bears fishing?”
“It’s winter, dad, they’re hibernating. I wouldn’t find even one.”

Dad looked at her with a frustrated look. “I don’t know if I’m being much help, honey. Do you have any ideas?”
Leslie looked back at her dad. “I think I’m going to go back and negotiate with the sheep. Maybe they’ll come to their senses.”
Dad sat there with a befuddled look on his face. “Negotiate, huh? Sounds like a plan. Let me know how it went in the morning. Now go to sleep.”
“OK, Daddy. Thanks.”

Leslie left the room, and Dad rolled back into bed. After about 5 minutes, he realized he couldn’t go to sleep. Immediately, he tried counting sheep. He went to count the first one, when it turned to him saying, “Excuse me but we’re busy right now. We’re in the midst of negotiations. Come back later if you like.”

Dad stared at the ceiling. It was going to be a long night.

Chapter 57

A PLAN GONE AWRY (an excerpt from “The Inept Adventures of Captain Stump”)

The captain boarded the ship with that wry smile on his face that he would get when he thought he’d done something intelligent.

“I am a genius, Lester.  A genius, I tell a you!  Now, no one will ever be able to get the map from my possession!  I, and only I, will be able to find the treasure.  And no one will be able to wrest the location from me because the location is found somewhere that I and ONLY I have access to,” raved the captain laughing to himself like the crazed pirate he thought himself to be.  “That treasure will be mine before you know it.  And then I will be rich, and you’re pirate lives will be more pleasant because I will be happier. Hoha hoha HOY!”

Lester was all excited.  He liked the idea of the captain being happy.  He didn’t throw too many people overboard when he was already happy.  The men would surely like this.  “So Cap’n, where did you hide the map?  I mean’s so you won’t lose it and such.  After all every time you’ve got’n your hands on a prized piece of ‘formation you’ve lost it or forgotten where you put it.  You’s don’t trust any of us wit’ it none either.  So what’s the plan?”

Stump looked at Lester incredulously.  How can a guy with such a refined and intelligent sounding name sound like such a buffoon?  That had always baffled him.  He had taken him on board to begin with because his name sounded like that of a smart man.  His parents must have been looking at the wrong child when they named him at birth, he figured.  More interesting to Stump, though was how he could ask a question that obviously belittled the intelligence of the captain himself with such excitement and joy like if he was expecting a lollipop!

“Lester, I’ve had you on board for a long time, right?”  Lester nodded excitedly understanding that this must have meant that he hadn’t gotten thrown overboard yet.  “You also seem to be a pretty,” here Stump hesitated to make sure he could get the word out, “trustworthy… pirate, I would say.”  Lester blushed, something that Stump found terribly unpiratelike, but he was too giddy to let that bother him now.  “I have decided to let you in on my little secret.  I have destroyed the map!”

Lester clapped and hooted loudly, “You ARE a genius captain!  You’ll never lose a map that no longer ‘xists!  You shoulda thought of this much sooner.  I knew I did the right thing answering that ad in the “Daily” for the ‘pprentice years ago.  I’m proud to be your right hand guy, Cap”.

The Captain had never had the heart to tell Lester that he had never put out an ad for an apprentice.  Lester, he found out later never did have a good sense of where he was and that must have led him right to Stump just minutes after he’d thrown his last first mate overboard knowing that everybody else was too afraid to be the next one.  Fate.  That’s what it was.  What was not fate was the volume of Lester’s voice when he told the captain what a good idea it was to destroy the map.  Two of the shipmates standing close by heard this and let out a loud, ‘WHAAAAT?”

Captain Stump stared Lester down like a mouse stares down a piece of limburger cheese… he knew that what was before him stunk, but he needed it to survive for the moment.  Anyways, the ship was still docked and a man named Lester could surely swim to the pier from the side of a docked ship, in his estimation.   He slowly turned away from his first mate and addressed those nearest him knowing that news of the destroyed map would spread quickly.

“Men, don’t be alarmed.  The treasure is still at hand.  I’ve never steered you wrong before (of course you’re all new to this crew so that would have been impossible) and I won’t steer you wrong now.  I know the location of the treasure and that location will never leave my being.  You see I’ve decided to put it in the only place where no one would be able to take it from me.”

With that, Stump pulled up his sleeves to show what appeared to be portions of a map tattooed on his arms.  “I have separated the map into sections and painted them permanently on my being so as to not lose the map.  I’ve also devised a way to know the exact order which I must follow to reach my destination.  The map has been dispersed into 14 pieces throughout my body, and only I know the order to follow these steps!  If I were to ever be captured it would be impossible for anyone to figure out how to reach the destination without my help, for there are at least 25 different orders in which the pieces can be placed and that would really start a crazy chase throughout the Bermuda Triangle now wouldn’t it?  Haho Haho HAYY!”  The captain laughed.

Lester again congratulated the Captain on his genius, “Wow Cap’n you’re really smart, isn’t you?  I mean seventeen pieces!  That means that there are 87,178,291,200 different orders they can place your limbs if you’d be chopped into itty bitty pieces and somebody wanted to find the treasure!  Either that or they’d have to find the tattoo artist who painted you all up.  But what are the chances of that?”

Stump looked at Lester with a blank stare, as did the crew members who were fortunate enough to be within earshot during Lester’s little soliloquy.  “What was that you said?”  asked Stump.

“Yeah, there are 87 billion different ways you can order 14 things, in this case limbs, I think, unless they’re elsewhere, but knowledge of factorials and permutations clearly sta…”

“NO, YOU MORON!  THE OTHER THING!” interrupted Stump.

“Other thing, other th… oh about the itty bitty pieces?  I mean if there ARE only 14 tattoed areas, then maybe itty bitty wouldn’t be too accr…”

“LESTER!!!! THE ARTIST?!?!?!”

“The artist?  Never met him, but he does good work, from what i see there on your arms there.  It must have taken him forever.  If he were a dishonest guy he probably could have memorized the map as he tattooed it on you.  But he being a landlubber an’ all, treasure probably don’t mean much ta ‘im.”

Stump looked at his men.  They weren’t much smarter than Lester.  He made sure of that.  But even they seemed to be thinking the same thing he was.  They needed to go pay a little visit to a certain tattoo artist.  Stump cut off their thinking.  “Men, we have a tattoo artist to find and make artwork of!  Now, give me a second as I try to find out how to get back to his shop.”

Stump wasn’t a religious man, but suddenly he found himself praying that the tattoo artist hadn’t left yet… so he could kill him.

TO BE CONTINUED…

CHAPTER 56
THE HELPFUL FRIEND

(KNOCK KNOCK)

Ryan walks to the door and opens it. He looks out and sees that it’s his friend Oscar.

RYAN: Hey, Oscar, what’s up?

OSCAR: Not much. Erin was talking to Dawn who told her you were doing some work around the house. Erin being the wonderful wife that she is volunteered me to come help you finish doing whatever you were doing.

RYAN: How nice of her. She must really want you out of the house, huh?

OSCAR: Yeah, yeah, whatever… what are you doing and how could I be of help?

RYAN: Actually I just finished. You want to see? Come, take a look.

Ryan leads Oscar to the back yard by the pool. Oscar follows closely, but reluctantly, truly uninterested in helping on this particular day.

RYAN: Check it out. I pressure cleaned the ebtire cool deck around the pool. It had gotten grimy and black from all the dirty water coming off the roof and settling on it. And look, if you want to see the difference… before and after… come look at this small corner. Sometimes it’s difficult to actually appreciate the difference once your done unless you have something to cmpare it to, so I left this so that Dawn could see how hard I worked. Pretty neat, huh?

OSCAR: Yeah. Cool.

The two stare at the dark spot on the floor, no more than one foot by two feet in size. There is a long moment of silence, when suddenly and abruptly, Oscar ends the silence.

OSCAR: So, you use a gas powered pressure cleaner, huh?

RYAN: Yep.

OSCAR: Aaaaand you ran out of gas when you got to this last little corner, didn’t you.

RYAN: Right again.

OSCAR: And you see no point in going to get more gas to fill the pressure cleaner’s tank to simply finish this one corner which would take no more than 20 seconds to do.

RYAN: Absolutely.

Another pause, but this time not as lon as the first. Oscar nods slowly and knowingly. Again, he ends the silence.

OSCAR: I think Dawn needs to see the difference in the color. Excellent work, Ryan. Whew, I’ve worked up a sweat. Let’s go get some beer.

RYAN: Great idea. We’ll pick up a six pack after we drop off the pressure cleaner. Beer’s on me. Thanks for all your help.

OSCAR: Don’t thank me. Thank Erin. I didn’t want to do any of this hard labor.

RYAN: What a friend!

THE END

Chapter 55

Happy Moments in the Life of a Summer School Teacher

* “Look honey, I received my paycheck!”

* Sobbing teacher cries tears of joy because the three weeks of hell are over.

THE END

CHAPTER 54

PLEADING 

Mommy, can we go to the park?

No, son, I’m sorry, I have a lot to do.

Mommy, I really want to go to the park.

Sorry, baby, but the park will have to wait until tomorrow.

Mommy, I want to go to the park now.

Listen, sweetheart, we can’t go to the park today.

But, mommy, I reeeeeeaaaally want to go.

The answer is no.

I want to go!  I want to go!  I want to go!  I want to gooooooooooooo!

WE’RE NOT GOING!  END OF STORY!!

(It behooves me to continue this when it’s been already mentioned that the story has ended.  So what mommy says, goes)

THE END

CHAPTER 53 

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ClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClick

ClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClick

ClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClick

aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

whooo ohhhhh whoooooohoooooooo HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP

ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhd    MAAAAAAAAMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Jane get me off of this crazy thing!!!!

no no no n-noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW                  WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SCREEEEEECH….ClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClick

CLICKCLICKCLICK

“That’s it?  It’s over?” 

“(when the car stops remove your belts, and step out to the right… step out to the right please)”

“Yep. Go on it again?”

“NOOOOOOO!!!”

THE END

Chapter 52

CAREER CHOICE

Allen always wanted to be a doctor.

Then he passed out when he saw his little brother getting vaccinated.

Allen’s an accountant now.

THE END

CHAPTER 51 

Trevor spent his day collecting. The giant cover would show up every day, usually after the deluge. Every day it seemed that it was a different color, and every day Trevor felt compeeled to take a sample. Some days the giant material seemed softer than others. The softer the material, the easier it was for him to collect. Some days he could collect five to seven times his body weight in material. Other days he couldn’t collect as much, but he would collect nonetheless. His friends would make fun of him. Some would get angry. There was not much room in the ditch where they lived, and he would find a way to clutter up the entire area. But it was so soft!!! The material was so comfortable to him! And so beautiful! He just had to collect it! And so everyone accepted this about Trevor.
Unfortunately, Trevor couldn’t find a way to keep what he had collected. No matter how much he collected the appendage always seemed to come in and remove it. This usually happened right BEFORE the deluge. Trevor always figured that the day would come when the appendage would not show up and his collection could be used to protect them from the large volume of water that would fall upon him and his co-dwellers. But every day it would come: the long giant rod with the printed marks on one side and with the hard surface on the other. It was the hard surface’s edge that would scrape up the material and dispose of it. And if Trevor wasn’t careful he’d get scraped away with the material. Fortunately for him, no one had ever been removed with the material, though there had been some close calls. losing someone, he knew would be the end of his collecting days. Trevor never understood why this object kept showing up all the time, but it did. But he would not be discouraged… he would continue to collect and collect.
Everyone did agree that the material was good for two things. On days when the giant cover was removed for long periods of time, it would protect all in the ditch from the very bright light that would sometimes show up. It also helped to muffle the noises from underneath… roars that they called the “HAHA”s, grumbles that seemed to bubble up, and what seemed like giant voices with foreign languages they didn’t understand, but that used very similar voices every day. It was these voices that they heard that helped them to come up with names for the covering, the material, and their home: shirt, lint, navel. That’s probably where Trevor’s last name came from - Navelintshi.
So Trevor kept collecting. His mission seemed clear. Get as much as you can. Overcome the dirty looks from his family and friends. Enjoy the material before it gets collected. And when the appendage comes… DUCK!!

THE END

CHAPTER 50 

Saburo stealthily stepped out of the window and onto the branch of the great oak. Not a leaf rustled. Camouflaged in the night by his black garb, he was careful not to alert his target. Discipline. Focus. Blend in with the night. “He’ll never see you coming. You are a ninja!”
In all his training, Saburo had never failed to successfully ambush his prey. Today would be no different, he thought. “I am one with the night,” he would remind himself as he continuously neared the unsuspecting being. Respect it. Respect its place in the world, and the world will respect your quest. A quest for victory. A quest for dominance. A quest for control of each and every situation he confronted. He was one with the world, so he would not be recognized as independent of the world. He would not be seen. He is a ninja.
But this target is different, he notes. He’s always moving. He can’t stand still. Always fidgeting, swiveling, darting, alert. No matter. Saburo was now within two arms’ length of his victim. He would succeed. Just one more step…
…and he was gone.
“Damn it! I hate squirrels! Why can’t they just stand still! He was mine!”
Failure. He had never tasted it before, but there it was. Bitter, acrid, YUCK.
It’s but a stepping stone. He knows. He will step over it. He is NINJA.
Once he catches the squirrel his training is done. He will be ready. He IS ready.
“The squirrel is mine!”

THE END