Happy Papi’s Day

The other day I was paid a wonderful compliment. I was at a friend’s son’s birthday party when my friend looked over at me as I was attempting to feed my two year old and told me, “You really are one of the best dads that I know. You are a wonderful father.” All I could muster as a response was a mere thank you, but it did make me feel really good. I think that being recognized as a good father is an incredible accomplishment.
Of course, me being the over-analyzer that I am, I didn’t allow myself to enjoy the compliment for too long. How did this guy know that I am a good father? I guess it’s from when he sees me at church trying to control four very active and restless kids, first during the mass, and then after the mass. Thinking about that I started noticing that many people have told me they are amazed at how patient and composed I usually stay during mass while my kids try as they might try to phase me. And I admit that for the most part I do a pretty good job while I am there. He’s also seen me at other functions with my kids, and I guess I have done a decent job of being attentive to their needs (again for the most part… I have lapses like i assume everybody else also has. You do all have lapses, right?), but how would he really know if I am a good father. The truth is no one outside of my house can. The only ones that really know are my wife and my kids (and I guess the dog, if he’s perceptive to that kind of stuff). Oh yeah, and my mother-in-law, whom I’ve had the pleasure of living with for an extended period of time on two separate occasions. Other than, nobody really knows. The truth is that the most important parenting is done when no one is around to see it. It’s easy to be at your best behavior when the world is watching. My brother-in-law has told his wife (my wife’s sister) on numerous occasions how he’s glad he doesn’t have to live up to the things that I do for my kids, because he’s incapable (or just plain old unwilling) to do those things. But would he think the same way if he saw what am I like with my kids on a daily basis? I would like to think so, but man, do I always feel like I am selling my kids short, and that I am just not doing the job that I should be doing.
You see, I think that many of us, when we walk in through the door of our house we reach a level of comfort that exists in few other places. And with comfort, many times comes complacency. It is so easy to just fall into routine at home since you are there so often. That’s why I’ve always found it so amazing how much traveling seem to pay attention to their kids. Their home is never as big a routine as mine is, for instance, so when they come home they appreciate everything in it, especially their kids (that’s my perception, anyways). I find that I don’t maximize my time with my kids at home. I have to do some tutoring, or take a short nap, or go online for a bit to wind down by going on FB or doing a short (OK, you’re right, I don’t do short) blog. Or I find myself doing my household chores so that I won’t have to do them at night when I am absolutely pooped. I could spend SO much more time with them.
There are certain things I won’t put before my kids. These are the things I consciously have to plan. I won’t work out or run unless my kids are asleep regardless of whether I do it in the morning or at night. I do not grade papers or write tests unless they are in bed also (unless I have to do a grading marathon before the end of a grading period, but that’s only four days out of the whole year). It’s those things that take no thinking or planning, like plopping in front of the TV on my couch for a few minutes, or reading the news, that seem to get in the way. Then of course, there’s the issue of sharing parenting duties. My wife and I get ragged on by friends for falling into the “it’s your turn… I did it last time… na-ah!” thing while trying to figure out who is going to read the kids a book, or who’s going to change the diaper (though, the potty training is almost complete. YES!!!) or who’s going to help the kids with the project for school. I like helping my kids, as does my wife, but when there are four, sometimes we wind up finding ourselves both worn out, and torn between tasks. I would much rather bathe the little one than sit down next to one of the older ones to help them answer questions from an essay he had to read. I would also rather dictate spelling words for a pretest than change a really smelly diaper, but those jobs need to be shared, and my wife and I both agree we need to take turns. It’s just our memories sometimes serve our own purposes (I changed the last 4 diapers!!). It’s at the ned of these days that I wind up asking myself if I actually did a good job of being a father that day. And sometimes I have to stop and say, “Nope.” The trick is to push yourself to do a better job tomorrow.
Being adequate is never sufficient, but it is a first step. The truth is that I am there every single day to help dress my kids, make them lunch, drop them off and pick them up from school. I do my best to say a prayer with them every night, though I’ve been slacking a bit in that area (particularly with my daughter, mostly because I get annoyed that she NEVER wants to go to sleep… leading to her NEVER wanting to wake up in the morning… but that’s another story). I can pride myself in knowing that i care enough to put an effort in. I was just reading on FB, how a friend of mine just received notice that her ex was going to rescind his visitation rights so that he wouldn’t have to pay child support. This the day before Father’s Day. It broke my heart. How can any father do that? And then it hit me. Fathers do that all the time. There are fathers who deny that their own children are theirs. there are fathers who just walk out of their families’ lives never to look back. There are fathers who are only around for the good but don’t help out when things get rough. Yes, there are fathers. But, though these may be fathers, they are not DADS. Or in my case, they are not PAPAS or PAPI. There is a line in Parenthood, that I am actually going to botch completely here, but it goes something like, “You need to take a test to get a license to drive, but anybody can become a Father.” This is true. If you are a man, and can convince a woman to put you in the situation to create life (need to be family friendly here ), then you can become a father. But that won’t make you a DAD. To be a DAD, you need to be present. To be a DAD, you need to give of yourself. To be a DAD you need to be able to say to your kids, “I love you,” and then stay around long enough to actually show them that you do. That’s what it takes to be a DAD. To be PAPA. To be PAPI. (Not to be confused with being EL PAPI, which is a bit “chusma” if you ask me, but hey I guess in my house I am that too!!) I know that to my kids, I am DAD. Even when my daughter gets mad at me because she’s almost 13 and going into 8th grade and that’s apparently what girls her age are supposed to do, be angry and annoyed by their dads for no reason at all… I am still DAD to her. She knows that I love her and am there for her. And when my son is sick and I take him to the doctor, like I did yesterday (after a “your turn, my turn” conversation with my wife) and my almost 3 year old son grabs me around my head and squeezes his cheek to mine, I know that to him I am his PAPI, quien lo quiere mucho. This is what separates me from so many other fathers. I still must strive to do better, but I know that I am on the right track.
And I guess that’s why in the end I was OK with the compliment I received that day at that party. My friend never said I was the perfect father. He said that I was a wonderful father. That’s something I can both work with and strive to be. And hopefully I can continue to work more and more towards being a better DAD.
So, today I propose that we officially change the name of today’s holiday from Father’s Day to DADDY’s DAY, or just plain old DAD’S DAY, to recognize all those who are actively being DADS in their children’s lives. I don’t see a need to recognize the deadbeats. The beauty of it, of course, is that at any moment a father can choose to become a dad. So to all the Father’s out there, HAPPY DAD’S DAY. You make this place a better and more loving place for your children, and GOD BLESS YOU FOR IT!!!
I think I’ll stick with Papi’s Day… I like the way my little one says Pa-pi.