I have always found it a challenge to write. Oh, there are numerous reasons… Finding the time, finding inspiration, writer’s block, etc. It has always been easy to find an excuse NOT to write. But I always find myself thinking that I NEED to write. Currently I am reading a book entitled BONO, about well, Bono, U2′s frontman. It is written in interview form by Michka Assayas, a French reporter who had been following U2′s for some 15 years. One of the things that struck me when reading the book was a question that was posed by Bono to the author. “Why do you write?” Assaya’s response was that he was able to communicate his thoughts better by writing them down than by trying to speak them. I find myself feeling the same way. I’ve always felt that I can communicate my ideas better on print than out loud (pretty ironic for a guy who seems to talk so much, huh?).
There’s a problem I have, though, when it comes to writing stuff down. I sometimes find myself writing stuff down that people feel they need to HEAR and not READ. Feelings and thoughts should be transmitted many times in person and not in ink. Picture being in a relationship that is getting stale, and deciding to break it off on a post-it note. Harsh. It implies a disconnect from the situation, as well as a lack of respect for the other person. It also diminishes one’s vulnerability to almost zero. Anyone can write anything on paper. And even though it takes nerve to pass these messages on to others, it takes a lot more nerve to pass the information in person, straight from one’s lips, straight from one’s heart. So what happens is that i find myself wanting to write down what my thoughts are, what my feelings are only because i can convey the message better, only to be discouraged by the idea that I am copping out.
Not only that, I have found that many times what is written can be interpreted (or misinterpreted) in many ways, and even though the idea is a lot clearer than anything I could have come up with verbally, the reader’s bias are preconceptions of what the writer’s thoughts and intentions are sometimes take over and blur the true meaning of what was being written down.
Now, there are some things that I can get away with writing without worrying too much about what people are going to think. I can discuss these things from afar and shoot my thoughts and opinions and watch others pitch in if they so desire. My little piece on the state on St. Timothy is an example of that. Even then i found myself worried that people would miss the point of what I was saying in the blog, and that is why it took me almost 2 months to write down what had initially crossed into my mind.
Lately, my mind has wandered greatly about a number of topics and I finds myself itching to write about them. I feel that i have a very real voice to present these topics and open them up for conversation, not claiming to be an expert, but someone who has observed and feels that he can begin a discussion and maybe open up some minds and create ideas for topics that many only want to discuss or think about in private, or to present alternate points of views for ideas that everyone apparently are all taking the same side on when the reality is that inside people are themselves to afraid to share their own ideas on the matter. Am I being overly vague here? Absolutely. And that’s my problem. And no amount of cajoling will get me to put these ideas on print until I am ready to discuss them, or until i just can’t hold them in any further pushing me to say what i can’t stand keeping inside any more. Problem is that I am more afraid of the consequences to my utterance than to the reactions that I may get. I can live with people disagreeing with me. I can’t live with the possibility of anding a friendship or causing an unnecessary rift, or having people feel that my writing is only meant to propose an idea as opposed to giving my own point of view. I’ve many times tried to present an idea not consistent with my own belief, just to open discussions only to have people wrongfully assume that I am sharing my own views and trying to push an agenda that I am totally uncomfortable with. And when you have a family and kids you can’t afford to have people thinking that your point of view is one that can be shared with others in a way that would hurt or confuse your own family.
Confused yet? I apologize. I guess this more than anything is being done for my own purpose. I want to bring up my courage so that I can start writing down what I have been thinking without worrying how I will be judged. In the meantime, I am hoping that others see what I write for what it is… a sharing of ideas and nothing more: a spark for a conversation… and attempt to open discussions. I try to be true to myself in what i write, but even that can get me in trouble, so I ask for a keen eye so as to not read into what I write any more than what is already in front of you. Outside of this one piece, it is safe to say that what you will read is all you need to know, and deductions will not be necessary. i try to wear my thoughts (and my heart) on my sleeve.
Which leads to my last little problem. I know that there is a saying that the truth will set you free. But freedom sometimes comes at a cost. it is not always necessary for all truth to be on the table. I think that as long as what is NOT truth is not shared, then much can be accomplished. To simplify this immensely, if someone is a jerk, I don’t think it is absolutely necessary to call them a jerk, much less to tell others that that’s how you feel about the individual. Maybe it is just better to not have a relationship with that person. Let the actions speak, versus the words. Well, there are things that I feel that I can’t write about because thought they may be (or appear to be) true, writing them down would not be a proper forum to air out the information. This in turn limits what I find myself being able to write. Maybe the trick is to write and not publish. But that would be like going into a forest and yelling out your thoughts to the trees. In the end, you may feel better for a moment, but you haven’t been able to fully release what is inside.
One more adage to consider… The pen is mightier than the sword. Though a sword may end a life, the pen can create a living hell, and for those (like me) who believe in eternal life, I believe that the latter would be much worse in the long run. My goal is to not hurt with what I write. Meaning I must be very careful when I write. I don’t want anyone to be hurt by anything I write. It’s not the intention. My writing is to cleanse and heal me, by opening and expanding my own mind because writing challenges ME. If at any point anything I say or write belittles or demeans someone, please inform me so that I can look into what I have said. Be aware if my writing is but a challenge to someone (as I tried to do with my blog about Fr. Cutie last year), realize that the intention is not to hurt, but to provoke thinking, and nothing else.
If you’ve noticed this is my second blog this week. One more and I reach my quota for this week already. I’ve also swam twice and run three times. That means I am on track with some of my summer resolutions!! Hopefully this will kick start me to a fruitful summer of writing. Just like running and exercise, once I get going it becomes a bit easier. I think I’m on my way!