NO!

Most of you, if your Cuban, are probably wondering if maybe I meant to write Ño! It is something we so ordinarily use and for any reason whatsoever, that I’m sure that it at least crossed your mind. Well, it’s not. But maybe in the near future I will choose to write a blog entitled “Ño!” so that you won’t feel so bad for entering to read a blog clearly far from what you’d expect it to be… whatever your expectations would be of course because I’m not even sure what a blog with that title would be about! Now back to my original topic.

NO. A fabulous word. It means the same thing in three languages, and can be understood easily in a number of other languages because it sounds quite a bit like THEIR no (i.e. “non” in French). It’s one of the first words out of a child’s mouth. It definitely comes MUCH before any version of yes regardless of primary language. With my three boys NO came before PAPI, and in one case months before. Kids learn it quickly because we’re always using it when they’re going to do something that we’d rather not have them do. This happens often. And they hear it very clearly when we catch them doing something dangerous, after they somehow sneaked away from our sight when we could have sworn we were watching them carefully… like picking up something made of glass, or moving to touch something boiling, or trying to stick a metal object into a light socket (none of these things have ever happened to me… but I could just imagine. OK maybe one of these happened but only once and I won’t say which kid or which of the previous cases), and usually in these cases it sounds more like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (Insert slow motion footage here)

What I find intriguing about no is not so much how early in life we learn to say it or use it, but more how we forget HOW to use it later in life. As a parent, no is an integral part of my language especially with my preteen. For me it’s very easy to use that word with her. Sometimes I may use it a bit too much, but in my experience I’ve learned that it is better to err on the side of caution. It gets me how many other preteens never seem to hear the word. It’s even more incredible how many teens then go on to live without their parents telling them no. As a high school teacher I see this quite a lot and it’s pretty shocking. Kids are living without boundaries and one wonders where this will lead them eventually. God knows that many of these kids have little or no respect for authority. They feel entitled to their heart’s desire because they were never denied anything… ever! So when they hear NO from me, that makes me a giant a-hole in their eyes. And that is both unfortunate and unnecessary because in me what they have is an ally the moment they walk into my class… someone looking to provide them with the best I can provide starting on day one. They just need to understand that things need to be done a certain way for success to be achieved, and if they’re off task, they will hear me use the dreaded word… NO. Stop doing what you are doing and get back to the task at hand.

Even here, I see that eventually kids get the idea of how to use the word, but it is amazing how adults sometimes forget how to use it and when and where to use it. And maybe they use it much the way they do with their kids… they try to avoid using it. I think that some people believe that using the word can be offensive to others. they think that if they say no to a friend they might lose him. If they say no to the boss, they might get fired or not get that promotion. If they say no to their elderly parents they will feel like they are rejecting those who raised them and make the parents think that they are ungrateful. If they say no to their kids, they may not be seen as cool or with-it… they may be deemed old-fashioned. These are all real fears, but they are silly fears. They prevent us from leading productive lives by adding unnecessary baggage to our lives, hence making our lives more difficult to live and robbing us of the little precious time (and sometimes money) we have and need to give in to the desires of others.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying we should say no to everything. Saying yes at sometimes inconvenient times is what separates a true friend from a mere acquaintance, or what makes a family united. But when not saying no leads others to taking advantage of you, the word needs to come in to play and often. We have to look at every situation carefully and be OK with hurting a friend’s feelings if in the end we feel that we are helping them become better or stronger. We don’t need to be enablers. Enablers, for an extreme example, are like those close to Michael Jackson who saw him killing himself with prescription drugs and wouldn’t step in and say “NO! Stop doing that. You’re killing yourself!” A few no’s in his life and he may be in concert right now in London as opposed to in some casket while the families decide what to do with his body.

When it comes to the word NO I have one friend who really knows how to use it, at least among his friends. If I were to ask my friend Alex for help and he can’t do it, he simply says “No, I can’t.” He doesn’t offer an explanation. He just says no. If he can help he just goes ahead and helps. If he asks me for help or if I can attend some outing or gathering, I know I can say no freely. In fact, if I say no he will cut me off before I can explain why. When I ask him, “don’t you ant to know why I can’t go?” he replies, “It doesn’t matter, I don’t need a reason. If you say you can’t go, then that’s fine by me.” And the best part is that he means it. Too many of my friends, family, and acquaintances are just not Ok with no. If I were to give a simple no, they always want to know why. And if I don’t give them an adequate reason, then they try to change my mind. That is plain selfish. I can’t say much though because I do that myself from time to time. I just can’t accept no for an answer. Sometimes I want to say no just because. I just don’t want to do something. But that’s not good enough for others. So what ends up happening? I feel like I need an excuse, and I get tempted to lie. You know how many people I’ve caught in a lie because they were afraid to give an unconditional no? Really, it may bother me to hear no, but a no attached to a lie bugs me even more! And yet many of us resort to such tactics. And it’s our own fault because this is what we are requesting and expecting of others. Can’t we just be happy with accepting a no?

Another alternative to no is the “I’ll get back to you”, and then never getting a response. then after numerous attempts to reach the person to get a final answer you just give up and accept that the answer was no. Wouldn’t it have been a lot easier to just say NO? I have led a number of retreats in my life. One of the most difficult things to do is to put a team together to lead a retreat. Once the team has been formed those chosen must be called to see if they can work or not. Many times I get a “let me get back to you” from a possible leader. Then I never get a response from them. And when I call back I don’t get an answer on the phone (DAMN YOU CALLER ID!!!). What they don’t understand is that until I hear no, I can’t find a replacement for that person to lead. My hands are tied until I hear NO. I actually had a case where the person didn’t call me for three weeks so I eventually found a replacement. Then I finally get a call from the person asking me when the first meeting is. Talk about awkward! That’s why we need to hear NO if you just can’t do it!!

You know in the bible it’s pretty clear of what God thinks of the word no. He definitely would rather hear no, then get a yes and be left hanging. There is that parable of the two brothers. the father asks them each to help him out. The first says no, the second says yes. Eventually the first changes his mind and comes through. The second never shows up. Who came out smelling like roses, huh? I think that God prefers to hear no and know not to expect nothing than for one to say yes, and let Him down. I know many people who say yes to EVERYTHING they are asked to do with regards to the church. With a few exceptions what winds up happening is that these people wind up falling short of what they promised and leave a lot of people hanging, OR they get everything done, but not with all of their hearts in it, meaning the results are less than what they could have been given the best effort. It’s OK to say no to God. No, really it is. As long as you let Him know that it is not a permanent no. The yes is around the corner. And I think God respects that. After all many times He has to say no to us. And we need to be OK with that. NO is a part of any healthy relationship. We just need to make sure that when we say NO to God it is a sincere NO that in the end is in the best of ALL parties. If saying yes to a retreat means that I am going to neglect my work and my family for 6 weeks because in reality I don’t have the time to dedicate to it, then NO is the only viable answer.

In Revelations 3:15, it says (and I am paraphrasing because the Bible is not in front of me and it’s two in the morning so I’m not going searching the line online) that we must be HOT or COLD. Be with Him or against Him. If we are lukewarm though, He will SPIT US OUT. God doesn’t want wishy washy people. If we are going to say YES, let’s make it a real yes. But, if the answer is NO, then so be it. He doesn’t need yeses from people who are gonna leave Him high and dry. And you know what else neither do any of us. We all deserve to be treated with the ultimate respect and part of that is to be dealt with in a sincere manner.

So, I’m gonna do my best to use the word NO properly. And if I ever say NO to you please don’t be offended. I probably have a good reason. But, even if I don’t, a sincere no will definitely be better than a half-ass yes. So live with it. I promise to live with your NO’s.

NO!!! (just practicing)