Me vs. Judas

Today we woke up late… really late. That meant that we were going to pass on going to 11:00 am mass, and instead plan on going to 6:00 pm mass. Then right around 4:00 pm we decided to all go in the pool and do an impromptu BBQ. I made sure to tell the kids that it was only for a short dip to enjoy the beautiful weather (which we must take advantage since it has seemed so fleeting for the last couple of months) before we needed to come out and get ready for mass. But alas, the day was too nice and we stayed in the pool eating our spicy Italian sausage sandwiches until almost 6:00 pm. Well, you know what that means of course. That’s right we had to go to mass at 7:30 pm. In Spanish. Well, I’m sorry but as far as I’m concerned it is still the Lord’s day and I wasn’t going to skip on him. AND He made sure to remind me not to skip out on him by bringing the thunder at around 10 minutes to 6. What a swell guy!!

So, anyway, we made our way to 7:30 mass. My kids weren’t happy. They are not very fluent in Spanish and have a tough time following the mass. To boot, the priest saying the mass has a habit of doing the equivalent of three homilies during each mass. Today was no different. Whereas most homilies last about 15 minutes, this guy went on for over 35 minutes. My two older boys fell asleep. The little one just got tired of sitting in his stroller while this guy went on and on and on and on and on… and started screaming at the top of his lungs. My daughter was just annoyed because this meant she wasn’t going to be able to see some special hour-long Hannah Montana that she had been planning on viewing tonight (I thought she was over this whole Hannah Montana thing too). To be honest, I wasn’t thrilled myself. The idea of sitting through this guy’s homily didn’t thrill me. You sort of get accustomed to a particular length of homilies after a while, and this guy was stretching my boundaries just a tad. AND dealing with the three boys in particular simultaneously made it that much harder to concentrate on this guy. But I tried. And although most of what he said flew right by me (my Espanitch snot so good too bad either) one thing he said did latch on to my ears which are more receptive now of sound now that I cut my hair.

Father decided to round up the second of the three homilies he did with a quote from St. Augustine. In order to do it justice, I am choosing to google it so that I can give you the accurate quote… OK, after half an hour of searching I didn’t find it, so I will paraphrase and pray that I get it right:
You know I’m not going to do it justice so I’ll just tell you what it sounded like to me and if anybody knows the quote of which I speak, please send it to me. He said something along the lines that we must understand that since we are all sinners we must be aware that any sin that someone else commits, we ourselves are capable of committing.

You know that for as long as I can remember I have always believed that. So am I saying that I then am capable of murder? That I am capable of adultery? Or even more heinous sins than even these? The answer in my belief is yes, and so are you, the person reading this. This does not mean that we will ever do these things, or even CONSIDER doing these things. But it does not take away from our capacity as humans to fall so far from God to get to the point where we can do these things. It is God that keeps us in check. He protects us from doing these things. In the end though it is the decisions we make that lead us down whatever path we choose.

What I think that is important from St. Augustine’s teaching that was passed onto us by this priest is that we are no one to judge others on what they do, or why they do it. This does not mean that we cannot judge the reality that comes from such a decision that is made. What made the murderer snap? We don’t know. Is he evil, and should we destroy his soul in public taking that responsibility from the Lord and judge himself? I don’t think so. We can see that lives have been destroyed by such an act done by the sinner, but does this make the person evil? No, just very broken. In fact, probably as broken as we are. We just chose to sin in “lesser” or less visible ways. But we may ourselves be destroying others’ lives with our words, or by taking what is not our, or through lies. It’s just not as obvious or evident when we do it this way, is it?

There is one character that has always intrigued me in the New Testament, and that is Judas Iscariot. Judas, as long as I can remember has been spoken about in the harshest of all terms, rarely with any sympathy because of what he did to Jesus. He sold him for silver to the high priests. It was a horrible act, and one that dictated how he would always be seen historically and by the eyes of those faithful to Jesus. But I try to look at a bigger picture here. One where I might be Judas. One where I myself would be capable of falling in Judas’s shoes. Let us revisit the last day of his life.

Here’s this guy Judas. He has been following Jesus for a few years now. Jesus hand picked him to follow Him. Did He do so at the time because He knew He had to pick someone that He knew would betray Him? I seriously doubt that. Jesus picked him, because though he was flawed, he was a good man, just like all the other apostles. The thing is Judas had an agenda (don’t we all?) and he figured it was consistent with Jesus’ agenda (he wanted his plan to be God’s plan… sound familiar), and when they didn’t coincide, he took matter’s into his own hands… he tried to force God’s hand, you know, nudge Him in the right direction to get what he wanted (if you’re reading this and have never done this, let me know, so I can send the letter to Pope Benedict to start eyeing you for sainthood). You know, if He were put in the hands of the High Priests, He’d set them straight and we could hurry this whole thing up where our people are delivered by the Chosen One who was sent to us. AHHH, but things aren’t always what they seem, and though the signs were there that his plan wasn’t very good, he didn’t see them and he went through with his plan. But once Jesus was in the hands of the men he turned Him over to, he realized that his plan wasn’t going to work. They weren’t going to just question this guy. They were going to try him!!

This is where things get interesting. After Jesus was betrayed by Judas, as far as we know only three people actually went looking for Him. One was Peter who for fear of being discovered as one of His apostles denied Him three times. A second was John, but He didn’t show up from what we see until Jesus is already on the cross. A little too late. Neither one of these two guys seemed to try too hard to fight for his release. It is in fact the third person the only one who however feeble an attempt it was went out of his way to say something about the fact that Jesus was going to be put to death wrongly. That guy? Judas Iscariot. When he realized he screwed up, what did he do? He searched for the people he had turned Jesus over to, and tried to give the money back, in essence trying to undo what he had just done. “Let Him go” was the message. Unfortunately He was too late, and the truth is that there was nothing anybody (other than Jesus Himself, should He have chosen to) could have done to stop the series of events that had just been put into motion. Twelve apostles, and only one came to the defense of Jesus… His betrayer. Was Judas a bad person? Was he evil? Hardly. He just made a bad decision. The biggest difference between him and all the others. He lost hope. He forgot about the power of forgiveness. He stopped seeing who Jesus was and what He could do. He figured that HIS sin was unforgivable. It is this loss of hope that did him in. It is why while the others went into hiding, he wound up hanging from a tree. The reason we are convinced as Catholics that Judas is damned for eternity is because he could not forgive himself for betraying Jesus, in turn rejecting the forgiveness that was afforded to Him by Christ Himself. Judas was not a bad person. He was lost… and never gave himself the chance to be found.

There is no sin greater than what Judas did. But, let’s not be fooled. It is a sin that we ourselves commit. Regularly. But again it is not so obvious. We do it in hiding, or with others more “forgiving” of our attitudes. But at some point in time, we become aware of the poor decision we have made, and we have two choices, turn and ask for forgiveness, or give up hope and resign ourselves to the alternative… a life without God. And many who choose the latter don’t necessary end their lives as Judas did. They just choose to walk away from God and to justify it. It’s easier to do that than to face the betrayal that has just occurred. It is here that we find many of the “believers” who are now atheists or agnostics, no longer accepting the existence or the importance of God. Does this make these people evil? Hardly. Many are still wonderful people. They are just lost. And they’ve lost hope. For they cannot forgive themselves for the things that they’ve done, or in some cases for what others have done to them, and God is to blame because He doesn’t see their plan. And so they are lost… But until the day they are “hanging from a tree” there IS hope. But they ned help. From us. Our judgments and finger pointing need to stop, and love must be let in so that they could turn back to God. What they have done, and what ALL sinners have done WE are capable of ourselves. If we truly believe this, two things will happen. One, we will be making it easier for others to forgive themselves. Two, it will be more difficult for us to wind up doing those things that we are all capable of doing because God will be helping us and protecting us from doing those things. It is having this humility that will keep us from straying too far from him.

In today’s second reading at mass (which I was reading from the misallette) St. Paul writes how it is in his weakness that he finds his strength in God. I think we are called to do the same thing. We are capable of all sin, but if we are aware of this and trust in God, the sinfulness will lessen.
Am I capable of killing someone? I’d like to think not. But isn’t that true of most murderers? Don’t we always hear of stories from those who knew tham how they would have NEVER suspected of them doing such a thing? And how many people do I know who have strayed on their spouses after having said they never would or after looking down on others who had previously done the same. Would I do that? Again, I pray I never do. But I think that understanding my humanity and the knowledge that it IS possible that I may do it, makes it more unlikely that I will, because it will make me more attuned to the temptation that exists, and will stop me from putting myself in the situation, God willing. Now, are those who did stray evil? I’m sure their spouses may think so, at least for some time, but the reality is their not. They are just lost. They need our prayers. They need God.

It is amazing what goes through your mind when trying to translate a whole mass in your head… especially one that lasts almost an hour and a half. I’m glad that I got that one little nugget of information. It’s nice knowing that we are all capable of the same things. It makes us more reliant on God. And only God knows how much I do need to rely on Him.

Now, I gotta go to sleep. Because if not, then tomorrow I’m going to wake up late again. Really late.