Yes I still Am… Just gotta post more often…
OK That’s it, I posted… you could go home now
Yes, you can come back later… I’ll post something else later…
No, there’s nothing else. That’s it for now.
Will you please go?!?!?
OK, BYE!!!
Thank you
“Have you noted any progress in the specimens?”
“None, whatsoever, Doctor.”
Doctor Pinkpaperpulluppants was getting frustrated. He had been working on this experiment now for months. Each one of the subjects he had tested on had died instantly. He needed to make sure that they’d not only survive but that his subjects would be transformed thanks to his dose of his “magical potion”. Still, death had been the only result… until today.
“They ARE still alive, correct?”
“Yes, Doctor Pink Paper Pull Up Pants.”
“Quit butchering my name!!! You’ve been working with me for six weeks. By now I thought you’d figure out how to pronounce it! Not everything is pronounced the way it is spelled, you know. You do speak English, after all. It’s pronounced “pink-pahp-er-pull-uppence”. “PINK-PAHP-ER-PULL-UPPENCE!!”, OK?”
“Yes Doctor, I’m Sorry. And, yes, they are still alive.”
“One obstacle down, Miss Messersmith, one to go. Now we just need to …”
“Sorry to interrupt you sir, but if I may be so bold… you’re always mispronouncing my name too. It’s pronounced Meehth. The s’s the r and the last m are all silent. I’d appreciate it if you’d pronounce my name correctly too if you don’t mind.”
The doctor stared at his assistant incredulously. “Riiiiiiiiight, I read you. Anyway, let’s hope that this experimaent finally works. Finally the dose of ‘magical potion’ was small enough not to kill my precious experimentees. Let’s hope it’s a big enough dose to transform it.”
“Doctor, you know it’s not illegal to inject a fly with steroids. The animal activists aren’t going to come knocking on your door for eliminating two dozen flies. you could stop calling it a ‘magical potion’.”
“Humor me, Miss Messer… er, um, Mehhheth?”
“Better, Doctor P.”
‘Hmm, I like the sound of that…” the doctor murmurred to himself, then added, “You know it’s almost lunch time and I’m getting hungry, can you get me the leftovers from the fridge Mihth?”
“Sure thing, D.P.”
His assistant walks to the fridge and looks in. “There seems to be only a salami sandwich left over from your annual Salami Feast last Saturday. Is that OK?
“That’ll do. Just bring it over”
The assistant grabs the sandwich and brings it over, then takes it out of the resealable container to hand it to the doctor.
“Smells nasty, Doc. I think it’s rotten. And the bread is turning green…”
“A little penicillin never killed anybody, my dear. It’ll be fine.”
But the smell seemed to do more than bother Miss Messersmith…
“Yo, Mr. Narrator! It’s pronounced Mehth!”
I’m not the narrator, Missy! I’m the author, I can call you whatever I want. And I have a name you know. It’s Lmytkljrft! OK, sister?
“Let me tickle your feet?”
DON’T EVEN GO THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me finish the story! OK?
Where was I? Oh yeah, so the salami was putrid, and the bread looked like a week old Chia Pet, and the flies took notice. They woke up with the smell.
“Look, Miss you girl. They’re waking up! Look closely at what they do!”
The flies circled around for a bit in their container. Then they noticed where the smell was coming from. All they saw was a big blur, but the scent was undeniable and all too tempting. The two flies suddenly burst through the netted top of the container as if it were not even there.
“Whoa!” yelled the Doctor. “IT WORKED!! Quick, let’s catch them and contain them.”
But it was too late. One fly noticing the doctor holding the sandwich went right at him and smashed into his chest sending him sprawling backwards. the doctor in his shock let go of the sandwich so that he could catch a piece of furniture to break his fall. At that instant, the other fly grabbed the sandwich midair and started for the window. The first fly recognizing it was closed darted straight for it and smashed right through it sending shards of glass everywhere. The other fly shielded by the sandwich easily avoided the glass and made its way out, sandwich in tow. Straight into the New York Skyline…
“Remarkable,” exclaimed the doctor. “We have created a new mutant monster!! Now, my name will go down in history with all the greats!! My name will be on the lips of all those who only wished they could have created my magic potion. Everyone will know my name, as soon as I can duplicate this feat with new flies and stonger netting!!! ALL WILL KNOW MY NAME!!”
“You’re saying people will be uttering pink-pahp-er-pull-uppence everytime they see a monster fly?”
“MY NAME IS DOCTOR PINK…PAPER…PULL…UP…PANTS… PINK PAPER PULL UP PANTS! Now get me another baloney sandwich!”
“You mean salami?”
“SALAMI!!”
This is a poem that I found today. It was written 6 years ago on my 31st birthday. It sounds a bit desperate, but it really wasn’t. It’s about not letting opportunities pass. We all take life for granted at different junctures in our lives. I was just realizing that I have to make every day count, not just the days when I was feeling good. It was shortly after writing this poem that I began eating and exercising the right way, and wound up losing 40 pounds. i feel like this poem was a springboard to that. Hopefully finding it will remind me how precious every day of life is. I hope you enjoy it.
31 YEARS
31 years complete
31 years behind
31 years have come and gone
31 years on my mind
A year for every day in March
A year per Baskin Robbins flavor
A year for every troubled thought
A year for every honored favor
So many things I wish I’d done
So many things I wish I’d not
So many ideas I let slip by
So many feelings that i fought
There were those trivial things I stressed about
There were the stresses that I trivialized
There were the realizations that I dreamt about
But too few dreams that I realized
I’ve had so many good memories
Flooded out by bad circumstance
I’ve had so many opportunities
Slip by without a second glance
A whole life has passed me now
Is there a whole life to live still ahead?
Will I have learned from the mistakes I’ve made?
Or regret my life when on my deathbed?
I’m thankful for these 31 years
Though I know they could’ve been so much more
Gotta make sure that in the next 31 years
I live them like if I had none more.
“Master, I don’t like this place very much. It seems that people here don’t understand our powers, and think that we are possessed or something.”
The young padawan was definitely troubled as he transmitted this message to his master telepathically from the building across the street.
“Earth is strange that way, my young padawan. Many cynical, skeptical people live and die here. They can’t appreciate differences. The emeperor would have loved it here. It’s the same brainwashed attitude that his clones had.”
“I suppose so, Master. I guess that’s why we are here, then, huh? To make sure that they aren’t lured by some strong-minded Sith into doing his bidding?”
“Sith, or any other power. These weakminded people have been influenced by the silliest things. We are here to keep peace in a world that truly lacks it. It seems to have been in some type of Civil War since its own recorded history began.”
The padawan stopped suddenly. His head was throbbing. “Master all this mental work is beginning to really give me a headache.”
“It’s not the work. You just haven’t eaten anything yet. Go grab yourself a bite to eat.”
“Master, thr fridge is empty and I don’t have any money on me. I’d have to go searching for an ATM machine, and i don’t want to stop now. i feel I’m making so much progress!”
The Jedi Master stopped and thought, then continued, “Open your window.”
“Why master?”
“I have a sandwich here that I could send you. I’ll just send it by putting a force grip on it until it reaches your window. Do you like salami?”
“Sure, Master, but won’t people see it?”
“Remember, these simpletons can’t see much further than the tips of their noses. It’ll go right by them.”
“Very well, then, Master.” The young boy opened his window and saw the Master he had been communicating with closing his eyes and reaching for something with the force. He then saw what it was… the salami sandwich. The Master was now guiding it out the window of his fourth story window towards the third story window of the building where the padawan waited. The padawan looked greatfully towards his Master, then without realizing that he had stopped his exercise yelled across the street. “Thank you, Master!”
Just then two boys playing stickball in the alley below looked up to see what was happening, only to see a young man reaching out for…
Despite the fact that there is stuff on this page, blog, ughhh, whatever!!! I didn’t put a single thing in myself, UNTIL NOW. I have officially begun blogging! Over the next few weeks I will be transporting everything I’ve written over the last 2 years into my personal blog for YOUR reading pleasure, whoever you are (I hope you’re cute… my wife dislikes ugly people. Good thing I’m HOT). I will also be adding some new stuff and find anything else I’ve EVER written and make sure to find a place for it in here also. And as soon as I can figure out how to add pics and video into this thing, WATCH OUT… this will be the totally interactive blog area. YEAHHH!!!
For now, G’day. I leave for San Diego tomorrow to baptize my Godson, Lucas Gutierrez.
Be back on Monday.
Thanks for coming to Slaho’s blog, where it’s all Slaho, all the time!
SALAMI SANDWICH IN THE SKY
“Look up in the sky… It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a SALAMI SANDWICH”
The people in the area were confused.. a salami sandwich in the sky? How can that be? Theories were born, conspiracies discussed, evolution was introduced… yet the explanation has yet to be found. Ensuing are the stories that have emerged to help explain the presence of the celestial salami…
(I will be writing a number of stories supporting the presence of the soaring sandwich… please feel free to add on any accounts which you may have heard yourself, or maybe that you concluded on your own)
THEORY #1:
Bernie and Mac had been studying all night. It was now 7am. The finals were that morning and they had left the cramming to the last possible moment.
“Are you sure that the integral is not defined at three, Mac? I mean, my notes tell me that they should be.”
“You mean Judy’s notes. You didn’t write one damn thing all year, and only copied Judy’s notes to cram for the midterm! Dude, I’m sure of it.. you must have miread her handwriting.
“I don’t know, I’m getting an answer.”
“Yeah, but it’s in that puddle of drool. Man, you gotta stay awake. I don’t think you can see straight. Maybe a little fresh air will do you some good.”
Mac opened the window and looked out into the New York skyline. Their NYU dorm was very nicely placed on the outskirts of SoHo. A nice breeze came in.
“Dude, something smells good. I don’t think I can handle the window open, somebody must have cooked a pie and left it on the sill to cool and forgotten about it. That smell is driving me crazy.”
“Then how are you planning to stay awake, Bern?”
“Dude, I got some Red Bull in the fridge. I’ll pound a couple and ride the sugar rush for a while.”
“Good idea, I’ll grab it for you, and while your at it make me a sandwich, that smell got me hungry.”
“Am I your maid or something?”
“I’ll leave the check on the table, just hook me up OK?”
Mac walks to the refrigerator and pulls out 4 red bulls to take to the table. He opens one and starts drinking it. He goes back and takes out a pack of cold cuts.
“How’s salami sound?”
“Whatever, dude. Just hurry before I eat my notebook.”
Mac takes out two slices of rye and slaps some salami on it with a couple of slices of swiss cheese. He then grabs three Red Bulls and tucks them under his arm, and grasps the open one in his open hand, then starts heading for the table.
Just as he gets to the table, one of the Red Bulls falls from under his arm and rolls under the table.
“Crap… I’ll get it.”
He puts the sandwich on the table next to Bernie with the other Red Bulls and leaves his open Red Bull on the table by his stuff. He crawls under the table and snatches the Bull, then starts to stand up. On the way up, though he hits his head on the table knocking over the open Red Bull, spilling it all over the table.
“Dude, be careful. You just spilled that crap all over our work! Man, it fell all over my sandwich. Your gonna have to make me another one!”
Mac came out from under the table holding his head. “Man, there’s no more salami. Suck it up and eat that one, OK?”
“That’s nasty man. Just look at it, the bread seems to be bubbling up. In fact it looks like… Sheesh, what’s happening? It looks like its growing, are those feathers?!?”
“Dude we must be really tired because this is stone cold freaky!”
Suddenly two wings sprout from the salami sandwich and it takes off flying straight through the window and out into the fresh air..
Bernie stared in amazement…”I guess it IS true… Red Bull does give you wings.”
THE HUMAN RACE
I’m running a race, and I’m striving for first
There’s no second place, for victory I thirst
I’ve started to run, and hope I get to the end
I’ll be number one, before both foe and friend
There is but one goal, I will not settle to lose
My body and soul will provide strength I can use
But what’s this I see someone just ran past
Is he faster than me? How much more can I last?
I look to my right, a couple running hand in hand
Pass me and go out of sight so I stop and I stand
A large man with his son carried in tow, piggyback
Dart by as if one, with the endurance I lack
An old lady in a wheelchair pushed by a child
Speed by as I stare at the group ahead that’s compiled
I don’t get it I think, they got all this baggage
They thrive while I sink, just how do they manage?
And then conjoined brothers who were ready to pass
Stopped chasing the others though not out of gas
They saw me and inquired, “Why have you stopped racing?”
I’m down and I’m tired and I don’t think I’m placing
Those running past do so though they seemed hindered
I’m doing my best, yet I am slow and bewildered
I can’t understand why I am falling behind
“It’s ’cause you’re undermanned,” the brothers replied
“The race that you run can’t be done all alone
It’s meant to be fun, with the loved ones you’ve known
It’s not just a saying that the first will be last
It’s life that you’re playing so learn from the past
The burdened stick together and get so far ahead
They don’t care whether they’ve trailed or they’ve led
They just keep going until they reach the end
All the while knowing they’ve run with a friend.
Now there is a big prize if you just do your best
Everybody who tries will share this gift when they rest.
So go find a partner and continue your quest
Or you won’t get much farther on this life long test.”
The brothers then ran without missing a beat
It’s amazing they can in such blistering heat
Their words struck a cord, now I know what’s in store
I just couldn’t afford to fall back any more
I looked all around hoping to recognize someone
What I then found was that I recognized everyone
My father and mother had both waited for me
My sister and brother whom I was so happy to see
My children and wife were ready to continue the trek
All my loved ones in my life had been waiting on deck
I reached out to hold them and received an embrace
I wanted to show them the joy in my face
The race was still going so we started to move
My confidence was growing since there was nothing to prove
I could not see the finish, but I no longer cared
The fatigue had diminished, all our energy was shared
First was once an obsession, but now was barely a thought
Because what I had in my possession, just could not be bought
I kept running that day as if I’d come in first place
Because in every way, I’d won the human race
