A Dire Prognosis
CHAPTER 29
A DIRE PROGNOSIS
A patient waits (ironically enough) patiently in a room for his test results to come in. Just then the doctor enters.
Doctor: Mr. Embins, I have bad news.
Patient: I can handle it, Doctor. What did you find?
Doctor: All of the results of your check-up were negative, but one small thing disturbed me. Your blood pressure was very low.
Patient: How low, Doctor?
Doctor: Very low, extremely low… how should I say this. Your blood pressure was ZERO.
Patient: Zero? That’s impossible. Well, that would mean…
Doctor: That you’re dead. Yes, I’m sorry to inform you that you have passed into the next life.
Patient: (in a bit of shock) Oh my God… I never thought I’d go this way. It was so sudden.
Doctor: I know, I know. It’s all very hard to swallow. It sickens me to have to inform you of this during a checkup.
Patient: But, Doctor, there’s something I don’t quite get. Why is it that I can still feel the dull pain I came to check out on my back?
Doctor: Side effects, Mr. Embins, side effects. Death can’t be pinholed you know.
Patient: But I thought that when you died you stopped feeling…
Doctor: All speculation I’m afraid to say. Think about it, how many dead people would you be able to ask about that, hmmm? Answer that for me.
Patient: That’s true. I guess you’re right, then, but… hey, wait a sec! I’m still talking and moving! I can’t be dead!
Doctor: Nonsense! Of course you’re dead. Your nervous system is just getting it’s last signals out, that’s all?
Patient: My wha…, huh?
Doctor: You know… let me give you an example. You know when you cut a chicken’s head off how it’ll keep running for a bit… like a chicken running without a head, you’ve heard of that, right? Well, it’s kind of like that. Any second now, you’ll stop moving and talking. It’s nothing to worry about.
Patient: Nothing to worry about, but…
Suddenly the door opens, and the patient’s wife walks in.
Wife: Hey honey, how’re you feeling? How’s he doing Doctor?
Doctor: I have bad news… he’s dead.
Wife: Oh my God! He can’t be! (Starts to sob)
Patient: Honey, I’m not dead… look I’m still talking.
Wife: (Stops crying, and asks through a sniffle)Doctor?
Doctor: Pay no attention to him, here are the results.
Wife: (reading the results) I can’t believe this! Isn’t there anything we could have done?
Patient: I’m OK, honey, look at me…
Doctor: Mrs. Embins, you’re husband is going through Chicken Syndrome.
Wife: I’ve heard of that… my father’s a farmer. But he’s not bleeding.
Doctor: You are very perceptive. No, he’s not running without a head. But, he is speaking without a pulse… same idea. You may want to talk to him and see if you can get your last goodbyes in before, you know… Kaput! You probably don’t have much time.
Wife: (starting to cry again) Oh honey, I’m going to miss you so much.
Patient: Sweetheart, I’m fine. Don’t I look fine to you? I came for a small checkup, that’s all. i feel just fine.
Suddenly, the door opens, and a man walks in. He appears to be an electrician.
Electrician: Doctor Friedman, I fixed the problem, the outlets in this room should now be working.
Doctor: Thanks, Dom, I appreciate your help. Leave the bill with my secretary, please.
Electrician: No problem, Doctor. (He walks out)
Patient: There was no electricity running through those outlets? That explains everything! You checked my pulse with that machine plugged into that wall.
Doctor: Now, don’t be absurd. I know a dead patient when I see one.
Patient: But, I’m not dead. It’s obvious that you’ve misdiagnosed me.
Doctor: (furious) How dare you insinuate that I don’t know what I am talking about! I have never, EVER misdiagnosed anyone. Thirty years, and I have a completely clean record!
Patient: 30 years? You can’t be more than 40 years old.
Doctor: A testament to my genius!
Wife: He does have a lot of experience honey. Maybe you should listen to him.
Patient: (getting visibly flustered) Listen to him? LISTEN TO HIM? This crazy man is telling me I’m DEAD! I’M NOT DEAD. ISN’T IT OBVIOUS!!
Doctor: What do you… excuse me, didn’t mean to insinuate… DID you do for a living?
Patient: I’m an architect.
Doctor: So you WERE an architect. Mr. Embins, I don’t pretend to know anything about architecture, please don’t higher yourself into wanting to believe that you know anything about medicine. Here, can you read this chart?
Patient: No, but it appears to be upside down.
Doctor: So, it is, but that doesn’t change the fact that you can’t read it.
Wife: Honey, you’re disrespecting him. He is a professional you know.
Patient: (now getting furious) This is a travesty! I AM NOT DEAD. I feel just fine!! I am going to walk out of here right now!
Doctor: In your condition? I’m sorry, but I can’t allow that?
Patient: YOU can’t allow that? YOU?!? Why you…
Suddenly in his rage the patient begins to hyperventilate and grabs a hold of his chest.
Patient: I… can’t… breathe… umphh… tightness in my chest… help me… doctor.
Doctor: Ah, Chicken Syndrome is wearing off. We should go sign the papers. I’ll call the coroner. Mrs. Embins? Any parting thoughts?
Wife: (sobbing again) I love you honey, I’ll miss you. (throws kisses at him)
Patient: But.. help…
Doctor: After you, Mrs. Embins, I’m sure we have a lot of planning to do.
Wife: Thank you for all your help doctor. (Smiles over her shoulders at her husband, who seems to finally have stopped breathing)
THE END