Archive for February, 2006

POBRECITO

Tuesday, February 28th, 2006

The other day I, along with my family, had to go to our parish, St. Timothy, for a planning meeting for an upcoming retreat that my wife and I will be working in. We brought along the kids because they were providing babysitting there at the parish. It just so happens that my youngest son fell asleep in the car on the way to the meeting. The kid was OUT. I mean, impossible to wake… gone. We went to where the babysitting was taking place and dropped off my older son (my daughter was at a friend’s house), and decided not to leave the little one there. We figured that there wasn’t a cpmfortable place for him to sleep there and that with the noise, if he would wake up he may wake up startled, or frightened and definitely confused and uncomfortable. We, therefore decided to take him to the meeting. 

I walked into the meeting with kiddo on my shoulder, sleeping like a bear in hibernation. An atom bomb couldn’t wake this kid up (we had left the A-bomb next door, remember). It was the second that I walked in that it happened. Every mother there caught a glimpse of the adorable boy that I was bringing into the room. Immediately they had to come by and see this pudgy cheeked 3 1/2 year that is my son. That was all fine. It was their reaction that caught my attention. One after the other they would say hi to me, then look at my son and say, “pobrecito, he’s asleep, pobrecito”. 

Now, for those who spanishedly (there I go inventing words again) challenged, “pobrecito” means “poor little thing”. I found this reaction curious, not because it was the first time I had heard it… this is a very common reaction to a sleeping child, in my experience… it is that every single mother there came up with the same response, “pobrecito”. 

I really had to laugh when I finally got to Christi Tunon, IND’s own “Critter”, who is working the retreat with us, who upon seeing Marcos sleeping on my shoulder responded, you guessed it, “pobrecito!” 

I had to start laughing. And I followed that by asking, “Why does everyone say pobrecito?” To which she replied, “I don’t know, I guess we just do.” At that very moment another mother/leader who had just walked in came over to say hi to Christi, my wife and me, and before she could say hello, the first word out of her mouth was, YEP, “pobrecito!” 

AMAZING! 

Now the most interesting thing about this to me is not that EVERYBODY and their mothers… well, the mothers themselves, anyway… called my son “pobrecito”, it is that I don’t understand why they are calling him that. It’s not like the kid is suffering. In fact, he was probably happy as a clam. For that matter, I’m actually jealous of the kid! I wish that I could fall asleep whenever I wanted and wherever I wanted without the pressure of knowing I’d be ridiculed, and also knowing that I would get picked up and moved around to wherever I was needed, with my final destination being my bed. What a hookup! That’s one heck of a gig. And it’s not like he was uncomfortable. He positioned himself as well as he could and was sleeping like a little angel in his daddy’s arms. What better place is there? You should have seen his face. Total contentment. I wished I was he! “Pobrecito” ni “pobrecito”… there was nothing “pobrecito” about him or his situation! 

You didn’t hear people saying when they saw him asleep, “que lindo” (how cute), or “mira que dormidito esta” (look how asleep he is) or “que tranquilito esta!” (he’s so tranquil) or “el ya sabe contar hasta los cuarenta y siete?” (has he learned to count to 47 yet?). No, it was all “pobrecito”. 

If anyone was “el pobrecito”, it was good old DAD. “What do you mean?” you ask. Well, I’ll tell you. The truth is that I was the one who was lugging around a 37 pound being around wherever I had to go. I was the one that because of how I had to position myself to maintain him in perfect comfort had a flat rear end and had one leg go completely numb due to an insufficient amount of blood enetring it. It was me who had to be careful of how loudly I spoke to not startle him unnecessarily (though it probably wouldn’t have mattered, he was so utterly in La-La Land). Heck, I was the one suffering. But NOOOOOOOO, poor little Marcos, he’s asleeEEEEeeep. 

Well, in hopes that people will not refer to my son as “pobrecito” unnecessarily any more, I’ve come up with some alternatives. Here they are: 

“Que cachetontolones!” (What great cheekicheekcheekies!) 

“Tan guapo, como el Papa” (He’s so handsome, just like his dad) 

“Ese nino esta para comerselo!” (That kid is so delicious, I just want to eat him… this one loses something in the translation) 

“Que papa mas bueno, como quiere a su nino! Ojala todos padres fueran tan bueno como tu, modelo de modelos” (What a great dad, how he loves his son! If only all fathers were as good as you are, Oh model of model fathers) 

All these are great alternatives to “pobrecito”. What’s this, you say that it had nothing to do with him being asleep? It had to do with.. huh? You feel sorry for him because he’s MY SON? How dare you… no you haven’t insulted me, I’ve got a sense of humor… HA HA! But, why couldn’t you tell me this before I STARTED writing this whole thing. “Pobrecito, me!” 

Oh, of course, I know you’re joking, what kid wouldn’t want me as their father. That’s what I thought! Unfortunately, all those other kids are not so fortunate… “POBRECITOS!!!”

Poem for Sale

Tuesday, February 28th, 2006

POEM FOR SALE 

A poem for sale, a poem 

A few lines that rhyme. 

Each one I wrote is priceless 

I’ll give you this one for a dime. 

I pour out my heart into my work 

Through my fingers the words trickle. 

If a dime is too much 

You could have it for a nickel. 

I have spent so much energy 

And it’s taken time aplenty. 

Hey if you want it that bad 

I can give it to you for a penny. 

You can’t measure the inspiration 

That’s helped this poem come to be. 

I don’t want to keep it from you 

Please take it for no fee. 

I knew you really wanted it 

Be sure to enjoy every line 

If someone asks where it came from 

Let them know that it was mine. 

Hey don’t put away chewed gum 

On that poem on which I labored 

I don’t care if it’s all stale 

And has lost of all its flavor. 

Well good riddance I say to you 

What you did was out of order. 

Here’s another copy of my poem 

I’m going to try to sell it for a quarter. 


Long Night

Friday, February 24th, 2006

CHAPTER 31
LONG NIGHT
It was a long, long night.
It began in November and ended in early March.
A lot can happen in a night that long.
And a lot did.
THE END

oetryPay inay igPay atinLay

Thursday, February 23rd, 2006

oetryPay inay igPay atinLay 

Itay isay eallyray easyay otay riteway 

Aay oempay inay igpay atinlay 

uoYay an’tcay essmay itay upay 

ecauseBay everyay inglesay ordway hymesray 

utBay hetay unnestfay ordsway otay useay 

Areay ordsway hattay hymeray ithway ayway 

hoseTay areay hetay ordsway hattay 

Iay amay oinggay otay useay odaytay 

Inay igpay atinlay it’say interestingay 

oTay aysay omesay hingstay ikelay histay: 

ayJay inay ishay eydayhay aymay laypay 

ithway aay raygay antamay ayray inay anyay ayway 

oorayHay!!! oorayHay!!! 

Poetry 101

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

POETRY 101 (a lesson in writing poetry) 

A poem doesn’t always come easy 

Sometimes it takes hard work

 Especially when you’re struggling 

To find words that rhyme… you jerk!  

 

2 Minutes

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

Ok, so this is double posted.  I couldn’t help it.  I wasn’t sure how to categorize it, OK?

 

2 MINUTES 

My three year old was playing outside, I said, “It’s time to come in.” 

“Two minutes, dad, two minutes, until this game ends.” 

“OK,” I said, “but then you gotta run in.” 

She was watching TV and I told her it was time to turn it off. 

“Two minutes, dad, two minutes, until I finish this cartoon.” 

“OK,” I said, and then I gave her two and a half. 

I was giving her a bath and I told her it was time to get out. 

“Two minutes, dad, two minutes, while I rinse the shampoo.” 

“OK,” I said, “but hurry, dinner’s coming out.” 

She was eating her dinner and I said, “You’re taking too much time.” 

“Two minutes, dad, two minutes, three more bites and I’m done.” 

“OK,” I said and then I let her take nine. 

I was reading her a bedtime book and I stopped halfway through. 

“Two minutes, dad, two minutes, the story is almost done.” 

“OK,” I said, and wound up reading her two. 

I was tucking her in and told her two close her eyes. 

“Two, minutes, dad, two minutes, lie with me until I’m asleep.” 

“OK,” I said and figured two minutes would suffice. 

My wife caught me asleep as I snuggled with my baby girl. 

“Get up, honey, and come to bed, it’s late,” she said. 

“Two minutes, honey, two minutes, before she’s all grown up.” 

I then got up and wandered out as I returned to my own bed. 

Fourteen extra minutes I gave my daughter on this day. 

Better I gave them to her now than before she grows up and moves away. 

My Dirties

Tuesday, February 21st, 2006

CHAPTER 30
My Dirties
A friend of mine asked me if I liked being dirty.
I said yes.
I also liked being dirty tree.
I remember when I celebrated my dirty turd.
It was a great day.
I’m looking forward to dirty heaven.
But first I need to enjoy dirty sex.
I figure I ‘ve enjoyed one turd of life already!
Eventually, I’ll be forty.
By den, hopefully I won’t be wearing dis stupid retainer dat doesn’t let me pronounce t-h properly!
Den it will make sense when I say dat dirty turds is ten.
DE END

My Two Boys

Tuesday, February 21st, 2006

MY TWO BOYS 

The young one is my midget 

The other’s my midget and a half. 

These are my two boys 

They make me cry they make me laugh. 

It seems very odd to me 

How they grow so slow, they grow so fast. 

Some days go on forever. 

Some days, they barely last. 

I blinked, one started talking 

I take a breath and one starts to read. 

One’s turned into a comic 

The other’s an actor who plays the lead. 

The pair’s a contradiction 

They’re so different, so much the same. 

When they each get into trouble 

They always have the other one to blame. 

The two are just inseperable 

The worst of enemies, the best of friends. 

They foil each other perfectly 

When one says “MINE” the other lends. 

These two boys are a handful 

I can’t see myself having any more. 

While they do get into trouble 

I enjoy every minute with them galore! 

A Dire Prognosis

Monday, February 20th, 2006

CHAPTER 29
A DIRE PROGNOSIS
A patient waits (ironically enough) patiently in a room for his test results to come in. Just then the doctor enters.
Doctor: Mr. Embins, I have bad news.
Patient: I can handle it, Doctor. What did you find?
Doctor: All of the results of your check-up were negative, but one small thing disturbed me. Your blood pressure was very low.
Patient: How low, Doctor?
Doctor: Very low, extremely low… how should I say this. Your blood pressure was ZERO.
Patient: Zero? That’s impossible. Well, that would mean…
Doctor: That you’re dead. Yes, I’m sorry to inform you that you have passed into the next life.
Patient: (in a bit of shock) Oh my God… I never thought I’d go this way. It was so sudden.
Doctor: I know, I know. It’s all very hard to swallow. It sickens me to have to inform you of this during a checkup.
Patient: But, Doctor, there’s something I don’t quite get. Why is it that I can still feel the dull pain I came to check out on my back?
Doctor: Side effects, Mr. Embins, side effects. Death can’t be pinholed you know.
Patient: But I thought that when you died you stopped feeling…
Doctor: All speculation I’m afraid to say. Think about it, how many dead people would you be able to ask about that, hmmm? Answer that for me.
Patient: That’s true. I guess you’re right, then, but… hey, wait a sec! I’m still talking and moving! I can’t be dead!
Doctor: Nonsense! Of course you’re dead. Your nervous system is just getting it’s last signals out, that’s all?
Patient: My wha…, huh?
Doctor: You know… let me give you an example. You know when you cut a chicken’s head off how it’ll keep running for a bit… like a chicken running without a head, you’ve heard of that, right? Well, it’s kind of like that. Any second now, you’ll stop moving and talking. It’s nothing to worry about.
Patient: Nothing to worry about, but…
Suddenly the door opens, and the patient’s wife walks in.
Wife: Hey honey, how’re you feeling? How’s he doing Doctor?
Doctor: I have bad news… he’s dead.
Wife: Oh my God! He can’t be! (Starts to sob)
Patient: Honey, I’m not dead… look I’m still talking.
Wife: (Stops crying, and asks through a sniffle)Doctor?
Doctor: Pay no attention to him, here are the results.
Wife: (reading the results) I can’t believe this! Isn’t there anything we could have done?
Patient: I’m OK, honey, look at me…
Doctor: Mrs. Embins, you’re husband is going through Chicken Syndrome.
Wife: I’ve heard of that… my father’s a farmer. But he’s not bleeding.
Doctor: You are very perceptive. No, he’s not running without a head. But, he is speaking without a pulse… same idea. You may want to talk to him and see if you can get your last goodbyes in before, you know… Kaput! You probably don’t have much time.
Wife: (starting to cry again) Oh honey, I’m going to miss you so much.
Patient: Sweetheart, I’m fine. Don’t I look fine to you? I came for a small checkup, that’s all. i feel just fine.
Suddenly, the door opens, and a man walks in. He appears to be an electrician.
Electrician: Doctor Friedman, I fixed the problem, the outlets in this room should now be working.
Doctor: Thanks, Dom, I appreciate your help. Leave the bill with my secretary, please.
Electrician: No problem, Doctor. (He walks out)
Patient: There was no electricity running through those outlets? That explains everything! You checked my pulse with that machine plugged into that wall.
Doctor: Now, don’t be absurd. I know a dead patient when I see one.
Patient: But, I’m not dead. It’s obvious that you’ve misdiagnosed me.
Doctor: (furious) How dare you insinuate that I don’t know what I am talking about! I have never, EVER misdiagnosed anyone. Thirty years, and I have a completely clean record!
Patient: 30 years? You can’t be more than 40 years old.
Doctor: A testament to my genius!
Wife: He does have a lot of experience honey. Maybe you should listen to him.
Patient: (getting visibly flustered) Listen to him? LISTEN TO HIM? This crazy man is telling me I’m DEAD! I’M NOT DEAD. ISN’T IT OBVIOUS!!
Doctor: What do you… excuse me, didn’t mean to insinuate… DID you do for a living?
Patient: I’m an architect.
Doctor: So you WERE an architect. Mr. Embins, I don’t pretend to know anything about architecture, please don’t higher yourself into wanting to believe that you know anything about medicine. Here, can you read this chart?
Patient: No, but it appears to be upside down.
Doctor: So, it is, but that doesn’t change the fact that you can’t read it.
Wife: Honey, you’re disrespecting him. He is a professional you know.
Patient: (now getting furious) This is a travesty! I AM NOT DEAD. I feel just fine!! I am going to walk out of here right now!
Doctor: In your condition? I’m sorry, but I can’t allow that?
Patient: YOU can’t allow that? YOU?!? Why you…
Suddenly in his rage the patient begins to hyperventilate and grabs a hold of his chest.
Patient: I… can’t… breathe… umphh… tightness in my chest… help me… doctor.
Doctor: Ah, Chicken Syndrome is wearing off. We should go sign the papers. I’ll call the coroner. Mrs. Embins? Any parting thoughts?
Wife: (sobbing again) I love you honey, I’ll miss you. (throws kisses at him)
Patient: But.. help…
Doctor: After you, Mrs. Embins, I’m sure we have a lot of planning to do.
Wife: Thank you for all your help doctor. (Smiles over her shoulders at her husband, who seems to finally have stopped breathing)
THE END

Rachel’s Ears

Monday, February 20th, 2006

Rachel’s Ears

Rachel O’Mears

Has big ears

And to her it appears

That when she sees her peers

Who are standing so near

Beginning to cheer,

They’re really jeers

So she bursts into tears

Because to her it is clear

That what she hears

Is what she most fears…

That they’re mocking her ears.

So for the past few years

She has started to veer

When she sees her peers

She shifts her gears

And away she steers

From the other kids’ sneers.

The poor dear!

If only she knew that her problem is that she smells really bad.

 

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