Archive for January, 2006

Hope From a Mutant

Tuesday, January 31st, 2006

CHAPTER 17
HOPE FROM A MUTANT
The doctor came out of the office with a concerned look on his face.
“It’s bad isn’t it?” She started to cry in anticipation of what she assumed was horrible news.
“What I need to tell you about your daughter is not going to be easy to swallow. This is something very rare, something I’ve only seen a couple of previous times. Your daughter it seems is afraid of cockroaches.”
“But that’s impossible, doctor. We ARE cockroaches. How can she be afraid of what she is? What we are?”
The doctor hesitated then proceeded, “Have you been in the human’s lair in the last 6 months?”
The mother thought. “Sure, a number of times. I get a kick out of watching the female scream whenever I show up in the light.”
“Per chance have you ventured into the bed of the human pair?” continued the doctor.
The mother proceeded slowly, “Yes, actually, but just once… it was one night that we had partied a little too hard, and I was dared to go into the bed to scare the couple. I was tipsy, and figured, hey, I only live once. So I ventured into the bed,” then she continued more excitedly, “you should have seen that girl jump… I had to fly to get out of there. I had her mate flailing at me with a shoe. I landed close enough to the wall that I could squeeze under before I could get splatted! Wow, I haven’t ventured there since, but what a rush! What does this have to do with anything?”
“By any chance did you come across any puddles on the bed?” asked the doctor.
The mother froze momentarily…”Doctor, you are scaring me, what are you getting at?”
“It’s vital that you respond, did you or did you not encounter a pud…”
“Yes, doctor I did, just as I was about to fly. I actually slipped on this small amount of water, and it was that stumble that prompted me to fly. What does it matter?”
The doctor leaned in closely… “That puddle wasn’t water…”
The mother’s face stared in terror!
“Your daughter, according to my tests, has how do I explain this to you… well, she has human DNA. That male human appears to be… her father.”
The mother’s lower abdomen started to churn, her antennae began to flail back and forth in a crazy pattern, and finally she found her voice, “That’s impossible!”
“It would seem so, but it’s apparently not. Your daughter’s DNA is half roach and half human. Physically she IS a roach, but it seems that psychologically she is 100% human! Has she exhibited any extremely strange behavior around you that you haven’t told me about?”
Mother cockroach began to cry in an uncontrollable manner, yet between sobs was able to get these words out, “Oh my, my sweet princess… I couldn’t understand why she would walk all over me and scream, ‘DIE, DIE’ stepping on me with her feet as hard as she could, and how she would cower in a corner when I’d walk into the room yelling ‘Somebody kill it, anybody please!!!’, and then she’d look for a table and jump on top of it and cry. My beautiful, beautiful girl, what can I do for her?”
“There really isn’t much we could do to help her, except maybe,” the doctor paused, then decided to go on, “maybe tell her the truth. The way I see it, she can be very important to our species. We have been tortured, sprayed at, terrorized, swatted at by shoes as long as humans have been around, and now we have someone here part human. She may hold the answer to bringing us peace with the humans. Isn’t that what we all want? To not have to look over our antennae to see what is coming after when we’re searching for food? She just might be our only hope.”
“But doctor,” said the mother, “she’s just a child. Can she handle the truth?”
“We might not have a choice. Do you want to visit her?”
“How can I? She’ll scream with fear.”
“I have a solution to that. Here I have a pair of human masks that I cut out of one of what they call a magazine. I am going to be wearing what they call a ‘Tom Cruise’ mask. You’ll be wearing a ‘Jennifer Aniston’ mask. These seem to be powerful humans. Their pictures are practically in all their recorded archives.”
“OK, Doctor, if you say so.”
The two roaches put on the masks and entered the room. The young nymph flinched and then relaxed when she saw human faces, albeit on cockroach bodies.
“Hi, darling, it’s me, mom… I’m sorry for the appearance. I was told it would be acceptable to you.”
“You do look better, “said the young’en, “but I would appreciate it if you stayed away… I’m kind of grossed out by the two of you. I’m not quite sure why I’m not screaming actually.”
“You’ve been sedated,” interrupted the doctor. “I just wanted you to relax while I examined you. Regarding your exam there is something you should kno…”
“Please,” the mother jumped in, “let me tell her.”
The doctor moved aside and let the mother approach her daughter as much as possible before the daughter began to visibly squirm.
“You know how I told you about your father, may he rest in peace… well, it seems that he wasn’t really your father. Sweetie, I can’t explain to you how… but…” she begins to cry again, but manages to blurt out, “your father is a human!”
“What?”
“Yes, darling. Your father is a human. He happens to be the man that lives outside of these walls that we live in. There was a freak accident, but somehow I conceived you by him… he is your biological father.”
“That makes so much sense. It makes so… much… sense!!!”
“Now honey, listen to me, I know this is a lot for you to swallow in one day, but the truth is that this truth makes you very special, one of a kind even. You may be our only hope to fixing the great schism between man and roach.”
“That’s right, young girl. Over the next few weeks we have to condition you to see how we can get you to communicate with your half species. If all goes well, we will be able to bridge the gap with humans.”
“What? You want me to be your diplomat? Your go between. Excuse me, but I just found out I have a father out there. I need to see him. I can’t wait. I need to be with him. i can’t be with you any longer. I’, disgusted by you. I need to be with my own kind.”
Mother had to say something, “Sweetie, don’t you understand, you’re not really one of them… you look nothing like them… they won’t understand!”
“Of course he will mother, HE’S MY FATHER!” She got up and stormed out.
“Wait!” said the doctor, “You’re not thinking straight, it’s the drugs in your system that are sedating you. They’re putting ideas in your head. Stop!”
“Monica, come back!” yelled her mom.
But she was gone.
Monica raced into an alley. She needed to do something. A paper. She needed a paper. As big a paper as possible. She had to write a message, one big enough for her father to read. She found something to write with and scratched something onto the biggest paper she could find. She looked at it closely then folded it up and darted out under the crease in the wooden baseboards in the house. She wasn’t sure which room her father was in, or if he was even in the area, but it was a chance she was willing to take. She went into the kitchen… nothing. She continued into the hallway… no one. She went into two other rooms… not a sole.
Finally she sensed some movement in the laundry room. She wandered in, and found him… HER FATHER, and THAT GIRL. He ran towards her father and yelled as loud as she could, “DADDY, DADDY!” But her voice was too low. He heard nothing. Suddenly, she heard a screech. It was the girl! She ran to a corner and started yelling those words so familiar to her, “Kill it, kill it!”
She looked and saw her father now facing her. Here was her chance! She unfolded her paper and pointed it right at him, but by the time he would even notice she was holding it, it was too late. Monica died at that instant at the hands of her own father.
“Thank God, you killed it. I was going to have a heart attack. Your fumigator sucks!” the girl offered.
“I hope you’re happy. Those things are harmless. What has a cockroach ever done to you?”
“Your always defending them. Why? They’re nasty! Aren’t you grossed out by them?”
“Yeah, so? It’s not like they can hurt you. I mean look at this one, it was not even fully grown. What was it going to do to you, huh?” And as he looked at the cockroach lying on the floor, he saw a small folded paper lying close by. He bent over and picked it up. He opened it and for whatever reason decided to read it… aloud.
‘It’s me HUMAN DADDY, your daughter, MONICA ROACH.’
“What the hell does that mean,” he murmured to himself, and as he turned around to face his girlfriend…
SLAP!!
“You two timing, son of a… I can’t believe you were seeing someone else behind my back… my sister always siad you were a roach!!! Ugh! You disgust me you backstabbing ass!” And she walked out the door.
From a distance, the doctor stood alone in a corner in the laundry room and sighed to himself, “Just like last time… I guess we’re doomed.”
He slowly crawled back under the wooden baseboard and into the wall and prayed for another miracle mutant to be sent.
THE END

Elmer the Forgetful Elephant

Sunday, January 29th, 2006

CHAPTER 16
Elmer the Forgetful Elephant
The elephants were all arriving at the party. Jonah couldn’t wait for everybody to get there. These potluck parties were his specialty. Marco was bringing the peanut souflet. Nicole was bringing farmer hay soup. Mickey was bringing sugar cube pie. But the most important one was Elmer… he was bringing the appetizers. They would get the party started.
Elmer arrived.
Jonah approached him. “I’m glad you’re here… everyone is arriving. Did you bring the chips?”
“No”, replied Elmer, “I forgot”.
“Well, how about the dip?”
“Oh shoot. I forgot that too?”
“Well what about the peanut brittle?”
“I feel so silly. I didn’t bring that either.”
“Elmer, for hay’s sakes, did you remember anything? What king of elephant are you?”
“Well, now that you asked, I need to come clean. I… I… I am a … hippopotamus!”
Suddenly, everything made sense.        

THE END

Avoiding a Friend

Sunday, January 29th, 2006

AVOIDING A FRIEND 

I headed out of home last night and started heading west. 

It was something I decided to do to avoid an unwanted guest. 

Our friendship had grown tiresome, he had expected too much of me. 

So I slipped out before he could arrive, sneaking out real quietly. 

I walked and walked and it got cold, and I’d forgotten my sweater. 

But I convinced myself to not go back, this was all for the better. 

I started to get hungry and I’d realized I’d brought no money. 

I was starting to get blisters on my feet, my nose was getting runny. 

It doesn’t matter, I thought, cause anything’s better than facing him. 

But I couldn’t find a place to stay, it seemed the prognosis was dim. 

Then finally I saw a place up ahead with all of its lights on. 

I’ll go in, I thought, and get a bit warm and wait there until dawn. 

I walked inside and to my chagrin who do you think I’d see. 

It was the very friend I tried to avoid apparently waiting for me. 

“I brought you a coat, here have a tissue, let me get you a bite to eat.” 

He smiled, he asked no questions, he was just happy we could meet. 

I was amazed that he was there; how’d he know where I was going? 

It seems that he’d have been wherever I went, as if he were all knowing. 

“I’d been wating here for hours, it took you a while to finally arrive. 

But not of that really matters, I’m just happy your alive.” 

Alive, he said, and it hit me, that I’d been dead to him. 

He’d been there for me all along, and I had just not let him in. 

I realized that it was me who had allowed our friendship to wilt. 

I was jealous, I was angry and I’d been feeling lots of guilt. 

But when I realized that he didn’t care about all my limitations, 

I relaxed and simply enjoyed spending time with him in conversation. 

That night, my friend, he saved my life, and now I’m overjoyed. 

He let me know that a true friend is not something to avoid. 

Kindness

Friday, January 27th, 2006

KINDNESS 

It’s extraordinary when I find 

Despite the daily grind 

People helping the maligned 

Whether to the poor or to the blind 

Disregarding the ties that bind 

Or what they’ve left behind 

To offer the needy some piece of mind 

By making sure the hungry have dined 

Or giving a check so generously signed 

For someone on whom God’s light has shined. 

They may not know, but I’ll remind, 

God always blesses the kind.     

  

(I shouldn’t put a title here but just in case)

Thursday, January 26th, 2006

CHAPTER 13
(I’m not superstitious but out of respect for those who are, I’m skipping this Chapter)
(Just pretend I didn’t write anything in here)
(This is just a blank page)
(You didn’t see anything here, OK?)
(Go on to the next page already!)
(I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come across as angry)
(Oh yeah, THE END)

Picking Your Nose

Wednesday, January 25th, 2006

When you were first created
God went to the store.
He wanted you to be perfect
Down to the last pore.
He chose the color of your eyes and hair
He found a color for your skin.
He selected out the family
That He wanted you to be in.
But one of the most difficult
Problems that arose
Was making sure that he did well
When He picked your nose.
He couldn’t pick it too big
Because then everyone would stop and stare.
He couldn’t pick it too small
Because you wouldn’t see it was there.
He couldn’t pick it too long
It would make you cross your eyes.
He couldn’t pick it too short
You would have trouble smelling pies.
He wanted to pick out the perfect one
So He took His old sweet time.
That’s why your nose looks so good on your face,
As mine looks good on mine.

The Greatest Story Ever Told… Ever (Really, no contest) ((ABRIDGED))

Tuesday, January 24th, 2006

CHAPTER 15 (A Patient God’s Plan)
THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD… EVER (REALLY, NO CONTEST) ((ABRIDGED))
God made man.
Man shunned God.
Hope seemed lost.
God had a plan.
God waited.
God chose a people.
The people shunned God.
Hope seemed lost.
God had a plan.
God waited.
God sent prophets.
The prophets shared God’s message.
The people turned on the prophets.
The people ignored the message.
Hope seemed lost.
God had a plan.
God waited.
God chose a woman.
The woman chose God.
She gave birth to a boy.
The boy was the Son of God.
The boy was God’s plan.
The boy grew into a MAN.
The MAN taught.
Man turned on the MAN.
The MAN forgave… as the MAN died.
The MAN came back to life.
The MAN gave us hope for new life.
The MAN was God.
The MAN is God.
The MAN will always be God.
The MAN had a plan.
We were HIS plan.
We are HIS plan.
We will always be HIS plan.
Hope lives.
THE END

Bob

Tuesday, January 24th, 2006

CHAPTER 14
BOB
Bob had never failed a test before.
Bob failed his first test today.
It really sucks to be Bob.
THE END

Balderdash! and Beyond?

Monday, January 23rd, 2006

Chapter 12 

BALDERDASH! AND BEYOND?

She sould have seen it coming. She’d been to a trochomancer and attended an extispicy. Both had warned her. The oneirocritic had confirmed her fears. Now, Kifa,the fernticled kakamurum had been captured in the pooter while trying to avoid the white tatties in the living room of the jubate human’s house she was flying through. She had been lured from nidificating by the sound of the buzuki’s twandillo which totally mesmerized her. Now she was sure to be fed along with the zyzzyvas and gribbles to the thrunters and the drintling. (unfinished… still working on it)

Chapter 11

Sunday, January 22nd, 2006

CHAPTER 11

Bankruptcy.

THE END

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