Let’s go… Slaho!

“WOW!”, you’re thinking, “two consecutive days of LIFE OCCURRENCES, huh?” Well, I am testing my students today and between the glares I give my students to prevent cheating, I will get a few thoughts in on my latest LO. 

For those who may not know, I eat 4 egg whites plus one egg yolk every day for breakfast. I am a chicken embryo’s worst nightmare. It seems that just yesterday I noticed that in the nape of my neck, i started to grow what appeared to be the beginnings of feathers, and I started to wonder, “Am I really what I eat?” It was most disturbing. I found myself… wait, i’m not going to go through with this. If I expect people to take me seriously, I can’t just start making stuff up. I apologize. This is not me. 

No, really, it’s not. I am one of those identity stealers. I couldn’t get my hands on Slaho’s credit cards or SSN so instead I am going to interfere with his views on LIFE OCCURRENCES. I wonder how long it will be before he figures me out. HAHAHpioasducgh$^*%$*. 

Who was that guy? I had to cyberkick his butt! 

Anyway, I was prepping my eggs this morning, (hard boiled, if you’re wondering) when I decided to read the carton. No, I wasn’t reading the nutritional information on the back. I was reading the carton itself. It makes for light reading. It said, ” Publix Grade A Medium Eggs “. It didn’t take me long to read this, seeing that I have an advanced college degree (though some might say that doesn’t mean much any more). But it did leave me thinking. What makes an egg GRADE A? Let’s think. 

Hmmmm? 

Now, one has to wonder, “How can one tell that an egg is top grade?” It’s not like you can take a taste and say, “This one’s a keeper… box it with the good’ns”. So then, how does one know? Sure I could do a little research and find out, but that wouldn’t be as interesting, or potentially as funny. (Notice the use of the word potentially… I’ve learned that this circle of friends can sometimes be a tough crowd) 

I wonder, is it the chicken that constitutes the quality of the egg? Or what they feed the chickens? I’m not sure that what they are fed guarantees anything. What if the chicken is chicken feed intolerant, and it’s not detected on time? Will we be eating tainted eggs? Or what if the chicken just blows a dud… it can happen, can’t it? 

Or maybe there’s chicken discrimination going on here and they’re only giving us eggs from white chickens. That would be wrong… Hispanic chickens make great eggs too as I’m sure so do the African American chickens. And the Cuban chickens make the best eggs of all. My parents have told me many times, that the best tasting eggs are from Cuba, from the best chickens in the world, who thrived in the best climate under the best sun which shone over the best beaches. Are we using these eggs? If we’re not then maybe we have only GRADE A- eggs or GRADE B+ eggs. 

For all we know it’s just the shape of the egg. Maybe we never see the hourglass shaped eggs. they sell them in second and third world countries as GRADE C, or GRADE D eggs. And the poor chickens that hatch these eggs!!! That must hurt! 

I can see how meat could be graded. You know, once the cow is dead, you can take a slab off and do the “testing” and just grade it based on that. With eggs, you can’t do that. But then again, maybe that’s why there is almost always a cracked egg in every carton. They’re put in and somebody cracks one in the batch and “tests” it. Then they mark the carton. “Hey, Harry, GRADE THIS ONE A “B”, and send it to, oh, I don’t know, Cambodia. Just don’t send it to the Publix on Kendall and 107… those snobs only take GRADE A there.” 

Let’s face it. We don’t really know what we are eating, do we. We don’t really know what is being put into these animals. And we REALLY don’t know what is coming out. So we read a carton that says GRADE A and we feel better about ourselves that we are eating the best quality eggs. Yet, for all we know these chickens were grown in a sweat shop in Honduras overlooked by Kathy Lee Gifford in secret. 

You know, the truth is that we can’t worry too much about how our foods are processed. If we did, nothing would ever seem appetizing. Except maybe Bego’s Diarrhea Pork Chops that absolutely sound scrumptious… the name just makes my mouth water. 

And the truth is that even if it said GRADE Q, I’d figure that means something good and eat it anyway, because I don’t see why they would purposely try to feed us something that’s bad for us. (Except maybe Mayonaise, but hey I’ll sacrifice!) So GRADE A it is. Bon Apetit! 

Now about those feathers that are growing on the back of my neck… do you think I shoJKLF&*)^H(oof). WHO IS THAT GUY?!?

Life can be funny, you know. Just when things seem to be going very good, you are dealt a curveball. For example, I just found out last week that I have not one, but TWO hernias. They say misery loves company? Well my first hernis must have been miserable, so he invited a buddy over. Unfortunately, I hadn’t invited either over. PARTY POOPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

So now, it seems that I need surgery. I will be going under the knife in approximately 12 days. OK, in EXACTLY 12 days, if you want to be nitpicky. So does this make me question GOD? Am I angry or do I wonder “Why me?” Nope. It makes me wonder. LIFE OCCURRENCE, you know? 

Yes, I am now wondering how in God’s name did people survive with these things before someone figured out how to operate them. Right now, if I stand up for more than 30 minutes, I get really uncomfortable, and if I continue to stand up any longer the discomfort converts to outright agony. I know, I know, you’re thinking, “Sit down, doofus!”, and I would except it’s extremely difficult to teach while sitting on my pitushka. (I like that word, pitushka… I’m not sure that it means what I’m planning for it to mean, but it sounds right, so I use it… tush is in the middle… and it does sound better than pitasska) 

What was that?!? Who interrupted my thought process… GEEZ! 

As I was saying this thing REALLY HURTS. How did people live with this. I can just imagine some guy saying, “Oh my God, it really hurts alot really close to my pipi, especially when I’m lifting things.” To which his friends respond, “Then don’t lift things, doofus!” Sound familiar? I thought so. But what happens? The pain just doesn’t go away. Then this poor guy doesn’t get to lift anything ever again. Did they know to ice it. Was his wife nice enough to massage it… at least until she realized that this just made it worse? This really must have sucked. Did it just get so bad that the poor chap would just succumb? I dread these thoughts. 

The truth is that I’m not really thinking about these guys. I’m wondering about the real geniuses of the time. I’m talking about that guy that discovers that those guys who get these pains wouldn’t have to work another day of their lives. They would have to sit around and have everyone else do their work. WHAT A DEAL!!! THen when asked what their life was worth, these geniuses would reply, “I can delegate”. What a gig!!!! These guys could probably tell everyone what to do, and use the excuse, “I can’t ACTUALLY do it. I’m hurt. But I can tell you how.” What a life! And you know these people existed. That’s where upper management was created, I’m sure of it!!! 

Of course then one day the gig was up. Somebody learned what the problem was and learned how to fix it. Now these guys were out of luck, and they had to go back to doing real work. So they created COMPUTERS!! GENIUS I tell you! 

As for me, I’m just glad that they figured out how to fix this dumb thing. It stinks to not be able to carry my kids or to move my things from place to place or to exercise. I’m actually looking forward to the procedure so that I can have my life back. But then I’m not going to be able to lift anything at all for approximately another month. Or is it two? HONEY, CAN YOU GET ME MY BOOKS, I’M STILL RECOVERING!!! (genius, heh, heh) 

By the way feel free to visit me while I recover. I would love it for you guys to come over and help me… to get better, of course.

You know some things in life make you wonder about the absurdity that exists in this world… hence LO #1. (LO is for LIFE OCCURRENCE, not an even shorter form of JLo) Others make you ponder about what the world is coming to. Some things are laughable, while others make you want to scream or cry in disgust. My most recent LO leans to the latter. 

Last Saturday, Lucas went to his first soccer practice. I was amazed at how well he played for someone who had never done this sort of stuff in an organized setting. I was so proud of the little tyke who quite honestly never struck me as very athletic. When practice was done, I asked him what he wanted to eat. “PIZZA!!” was his response. He told me he wanted to go to a pizza place close to our house that served pizza “I like”. We went. As fortune would have it they didn’t serve slices and the pizza was not going to be done for about 20 to 30 minutes. TOO LONG FER THESE HUNGRY BOYS. (FER purposely spelled like this for effect… what effect, I have NOO idea) It is then that my latest LO took place. Next to the pizza place there sits a Quizno’s. Lucas told me he would like to go there instead, so we did. We entered the place and the manager, whom I’ve met casually in the restaurant before greeted us with a smile. He has always been very pleasant and has always given my kids free cookies whenever I’ve taken them there. It was in his greeting that he made what I know is an innocent comment that just rubbed me the wrong way: “Enjoying your weekend with your son?” 

My weekend? Every weekend is my weekend with all my kids, I thought. I quickly corrected him and explained that my wife was with my daughter at gymnastics, so we escaped for lunch… just the guys out. He smiled and said,”excellent” and went on his way to continue to greet the other patrons. But I was still upset… not at him, but at the assumption so innocently made. Is this where we are headed as a society? 

It seems that more and more people assume that a father alone with a child is not bonding, but taking care of his custodial duties for the weekend. I am aware that this is a fact of life, but shouldn’t we assume first that the father just LIKES spending time with his children and is taking time to enjoy them? And where is this line of questioning heading to? Soon people will begin assuming that a pregnancy is not planned. Will pregant women when approached by a stranger as I was, be asked in lieu of the normal “Is it a boy or a gilr?”, or “When is it due?”, with questions like, “So who’s the father?” or “Are you planning on keeping it?” Is this where we are heading? 

It is a sad state of affairs when first assumptions are the norm because the truth is that the norm nowadays is divorce vs. lifelong marriage, and is getting closer to being single parenting vs. the in tact family unit. The reality of life is one thing. Those living these alternate lives are not to be judged any differently in my eyes for the decisions they’ve made. But that shouldn’t change the way things ought to be. The family is MEANT to be father, mother, and children. We should assume unless we know otherwise that others see the family unit in the same way, and that they understand when they are mistakenly asked about an estranged family member that people are only hoping and expecting for the best when these questions are asked. 

If you’re wondering, lunch went great. It’s nice to have lunch with your son, especially knowing that I chose to do it and was not mandated to do it by some judge. God bless my family. And may he also bless and guide those who are not as fortunate as I am. 

I PROMISE that my next LIFE OCCURRENCE will be more lighthearted. How do I know it will be? Beacuse I already know what it is… nana nana booboo!!

Being mathematically inclined I like for things to numerically make sense. It was in this process of piecing life together that i came across this most disturbing LIFE OCCURRENCE. By LIFE OCCURRENCE I mean something that exists in life that we all have come in contact with at some point or another. I shall be discussing LIFE OCCURRENCEs from time to time in my musings. Oops, I lost my train of thought, huh? Well, recently I came face to face with this LIFE OCCURRENCE which has always been there but I had never given much thought to, when suddenly I gave it a thought (just one) and my brain began to hurt. A lot!!

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